I love my husband, but now and again he gets really angry. I’ve read that people who are violent aren’t violent at everybody, but at particular people. So, am I making him violent? Because I’m sure he wasn’t a violent person before I met him. Everybody loves him.
My husband does everything for me, and would do ANYTHING for me but when he gets angry (usually when he’s drunk) he’ll tell me I’m a cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and the quote that hurts the most: “I’m not happy, I don’t want to be with you. Fuck off, I want a divorce! This is the end. PLEASE. Fuck off”. He’s choked me once, pushed me, spat on me, threw a plate near me (to scare me) and he has punched a few things and hurt himself.
I remember when I was young, I said to my friends, if you love somebody and they love you then everything will be great. But NEVER be with a person who BEATS or physically HURTS you, because they’re worth a PINCH OF SHIT. Yet I think I married that one, and I can’t leave. Even when he tells me to fuck off I want to be with him. I love him. We don’t have any children (because I’M not ready – what he said) so it should be easy for me to pack my things and leave, but I can’t. Is it me? Do I make him angry? What is wrong with me? Confused
You’re in a bad situation, but you’re not the cause of it. Neither is the booze. Alcohol is often associated with domestic violence – or used as an excuse for the violence – but it’s not why your husband behaves as he does when drunk. Also, your theory that you perhaps have created this monster, or that he only became violent once he met you, is bullshit. He is an abuser. His behaviour is intentional. Does he direct it at his boss? At random people on the street? At friends? No. You’re his target. And he makes damn sure he threatens you in private.
I’m guessing you’re the only one who’s witnessed his behaviour and that you haven’t confided in anyone about your situation. Perhaps you’re ashamed to, or scared of what might happen if you say anything. But for many women, that secrecy is part and parcel of being in an abusive relationship. Classic abusers look like the perfect partners to the outside world; they cultivate that image. So of course everyone around you ‘loves him’ and thinks he’s a swell guy.
Why do you stay? Possibly for a variety of reasons. Fear. Love. A belief you can change him. Because he’s charming when he’s not drunk and calling you a whore or spitting in your face or putting his hands around your throat. Leaving, for many in situations like yours, is a process and it may be one step forward two steps back until you hit a turning point. That turning point can be an escalation of severe violence, a realization that the violence isn’t going to stop or worries about the violence being witnessed or carried out against the children.
You don’t have kids yet, and that’s a blessing. I urge you to get some help and support from ouside sources – a psychologist, local doctor, council or police station can all put you in touch with domestic violence resources wherever you’re located. Don’t wait until next time, or think it – or he – will get better. Please, just take care of you and take steps to get out of your situation as soon as possible.
Love, reality chick