My husband is a violent man, but I can’t leave him

My husband is a violent man, but I can’t leave him
my husband is violent2

I love my husband, but now and again he gets really angry. I’ve read that people who are violent aren’t violent at everybody, but at particular people. So, am I making him violent? Because I’m sure he wasn’t a violent person before I met him. Everybody loves him.

My husband does everything for me, and would do ANYTHING for me but when he gets angry (usually when he’s drunk) he’ll tell me I’m a cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and the quote that hurts the most: “I’m not happy, I don’t want to be with you. Fuck off, I want a divorce! This is the end. PLEASE. Fuck off”. He’s choked me once, pushed me, spat on me, threw a plate near me (to scare me) and he has punched a few things and hurt himself.

I remember when I was young, I said to my friends, if you love somebody and they love you then everything will be great. But NEVER be with a person who BEATS or physically HURTS you, because they’re worth a PINCH OF SHIT. Yet I think I married that one, and I can’t leave. Even when he tells me to fuck off I want to be with him. I love him. We don’t have any children (because I’M not ready – what he said) so it should be easy for me to pack my things and leave, but I can’t. Is it me? Do I make him angry? What is wrong with me? Confused

You’re in a bad situation, but you’re not the cause of it. Neither is the booze. Alcohol is often associated with domestic violence – or used as an excuse for the violence – but it’s not why your husband behaves as he does when drunk. Also, your theory that you perhaps have created this monster, or that he only became violent once he met you, is bullshit. He is an abuser. His behaviour is intentional. Does he direct it at his boss? At random people on the street? At friends? No. You’re his target. And he makes damn sure he threatens you in private.

I’m guessing you’re the only one who’s witnessed his behaviour and that you haven’t confided in anyone about your situation. Perhaps you’re ashamed to, or scared of what might happen if you say anything. But for many women, that secrecy is part and parcel of being in an abusive relationship. Classic abusers look like the perfect partners to the outside world; they cultivate that image. So of course everyone around you ‘loves him’ and thinks he’s a swell guy.

Why do you stay? Possibly for a variety of reasons. Fear. Love. A belief you can change him. Because he’s charming when he’s not drunk and calling you a whore or spitting in your face or putting his hands around your throat. Leaving, for many in situations like yours, is a process and it may be one step forward two steps back until you hit a turning point. That turning point can be an escalation of severe violence, a realization that the violence isn’t going to stop or worries about the violence being witnessed or carried out against the children.

You don’t have kids yet, and that’s a blessing. I urge you to get some help and support from ouside sources – a psychologist, local doctor, council or police station can all put you in touch with domestic violence resources wherever you’re located. Don’t wait until next time, or think it – or he – will get better. Please, just take care of you and take steps to get out of your situation as soon as possible.

Love, reality chick

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Anne 5 years ago

    Girl get out of the house, don’t stay there! I was in a bad relanship too. But I got out. Because someone Elise ask me out. Now I’m more happer. Take your kids and get out you don’t deserve to get hurt. Neather do your kids. Get out while you can you deavse better.
    Good luck!

  2. Kay 5 years ago

    My husband is so abusive too, he calls me names like cunt, stupid bitch etc on a daily basis if I try to talk to him about anything. He goes from yelling at me to breaking things in the house and pushing me, hitting me and spitting on my face. He has choked me before and cut my eye open really bad by whipping a phone at my face. We don’t deserve to live like this, but I also can’t leave him because I’m scared he’s gunna kill himself with drugs which he always threatens when I say I want to leave and I have 2 kids that are very young and I don’t want to have that conversation with them. I live in fear daily, thank god he is gone at work for most of the day and he hasn’t hit the kids yet, but he gets in there faces and screams and terrifies them which they are both under 2. He screams things at them like sorry I don’t fucking love you because of your mom! Which is awful because they don’t know why he is screaming at them. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I keep praying for things to get better and they aren’t but I want things to work so bad and I want to have a happy family. He is the one that makes the money and has a car and I have nothing besides the clothes on my back, not even a license to drive a damn car because he doesn’t want me to have any freedom. When he isn’t having violent outbursts literally over me trying to talk to him because he hides everything from me, he treats me like shit anyways. I don’t know how much I can handle until I take the kids and leave, and I’m not sure where I would even go. So yea I totally understand where u are coming from and I know how hard it is to let go of the person that u love so much and want to be happy with. We deserve better tho and I wish these “men” would see that. I wish they could walk in our shoes for a little bit.

    • Jason 4 years ago

      Girl you need to pull your fucking head out of your ass!!!!
      You’re worried more about some asshole that beats you, spits on you and verbally abuses you over your own kids??? Wtf??
      Your kids are better off in fucking foster care for christs sake!
      You can’t keep them safe?? He could kill em at anytime and its your fucking fault for putting them there!!

  3. Jacqueline 5 years ago

    yes leave him as early as possible hez not a right choice leave him and live royally like fly bird wish u all d best God is their for everyone have faith tkcare

  4. Cyndie 8 years ago

    I would NEVER EVER leave a man (or a woman) talk to me like this, and you shouldn’t either. Pack your stuff and leave, he clealy doesn’t want you in his life and you most likely deserve someone better.

  5. bron 8 years ago

    This is so simple. Or it should be. Get Out! You don’t have kids, so they are not being damaged by this guys manipulations, but you will never fully recover. Your self-esteem is being destroyed, your life is being destroyed. I’d say turn to your friends, but i’m betting you’ve pushed them all away, neglected them so you have lost contact. That’s how little boys like this operate. If you have friends, he loses power, so, even if you don’t realise it, he’s forced you to become isolated.
    You haven’t made him this way, nor has the alcohol. That’s a cop-out. In reality he has always been this way and the alcohol just makes him feel like he can get away with it. Don’t think for a second that his mates have never seen him like this. Little boys like this are incapable of just abusing one person. He has done this to previous girlfriends, friends and quite possibly his mother or sisters. He is a little boy that has to abuse those he sees as weaker because that makes him feel like a real man. Which of course he is not.
    You are, however, an enabler. By not leaving, by giving him the message that this is all you deserve. By not calling the police, by being a victim..
    I don’t know your financial situation, whether the house you are in is rented or mortgaged, whether you would lose everything by leaving or whether you should kick him out but i’ll tell you one thing. GET OUT! That is, get the hell out of this relationship. Call the police and tell them what is going on. Get some protection on place so when he comes after you after you escape the police will respond and deal with him. He will come after you. He will beat the crap out of you if he gets the chance, He will stalk you, threaten you, do everything he can to get his power back.
    The only way to stop him is to say ENOUGH! Either pack your stuff (when he is not there) and leave, or pack his stuff and take it to the police station for him to collect, telling them in the process why! If you do that, change the locks!.
    yes i’m being harsh, but i’ve been there. While you allow this behaviour you will always be in fear. You are a better person than this little boy. Now is the time to prove it!

    Oh and he will never change. This will NEVER get better. Today it’s swearing, tomorrow it’s a punch and when he sees you let him get away with that, the next day it will be his hands around your throat, then a broken arm, black eye, rape, a few missing teeth or if he is careful, just bruising that is carefully positioned so that his mates can’t see it. One day it will be you in a coffin, whether by his hand or by your own. I’m not going to pull punches, because he won’t. One day his behaviour will lead to your death. And he will blame it on your instability, on depression, and then he’ll go on to the next victim.
    GET OUT!

  6. Dear COnfused,

    YOu need to get out and soon, this man won’t change and he has already tried to choke you. This is very serious. Statistics say women are most at risk of violence from their partners and more likely to be murdered by them than anyone else.

    You ask why you’re still there? I often use the analogy with my clients of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog into a saucepan of boiling water, he will hop out to safety straight away. However, if you place a frog into a pot of cold water and then slowly turn the temperature up over time, the water will eventually boil and the frog will just sit there.

    I suspect your husband has become increasingly worse over time and you’re that frog still sitting there. The water isn’t boiling quite yet but it’s not far away. You’re being verbally and physically abused, this is not changing and won’t change. As you say, you are lucky you don’t have children with this man so get professional help, rally your friends and make a plan to leave. Today.

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