My marriage is a sham and I’ve fallen for someone else

My marriage is a sham and I’ve fallen for someone else

My marriage is a sham and I've fallen for someone else

I’ve been married for 11 years. My husband fell out of love with me after a few weeks and we have been living as roommates ever since. I’ve tried my best to make things work but he is not interested, and has never given me any reason for becoming emotionally and physically distant with me. He even had an affair with his colleague.

I put up with all this and have tried to lead a normal life but it has been very lonely and frustrating. Recently I met a senior colleague who is also married and who has been very supportive and caring towards me. He is attracted towards me, I’ve told him I love him, he just likes me, but he wants to be intimate. I want more of a mental connection first. I find myself hanging on waiting for his messages; he doesn’t send them often but when he does it’s flirty and fun. I’m wrapped up in it so much that it’s difficult to work. Please help. Piya

Whoa. I’m not sure you and I are going to be on the same page, Piya. Because while the focus of your question revolves around a married colleague you’re crushing on, mine is wondering what the HELL you’ve been doing for over a decade with a husband who’s essentially nothing more than a roommate.

Can I be blunt and ask why? Why have you ‘put up with all this’? Why have you turned a blind eye to his affair? Why have you tried to lead a normal life, despite your frustration and loneliness? Why have you convinced yourself that this joke of a marriage is enough on some level and worth sacrificing your life and happiness for?

I want to shake you, hug you and help you pack your bags before you waste another frigging minute with a guy who stopped loving you 11 years ago and didn’t even value you enough to talk about it or offer a reason. I worry that you’ve sucked it up for so long, you’ve stopped really valuing yourself or your life or believing there’s any other way than what you know.

But there is.

There can be.

And – believe it or not – it’s not going to come in the form of your workmate, who, I promise you, is only cruising for some extra-marital sex and tosses out a crumb to you every so often in the hope you’ll stick around and give him what he wants. Don’t. He’s just a distraction from the bigger issue here, and not your escape route or the guy who’ll give you both the intimacy and mental connection you’re clearly starved for.

What should you do? I’ll tell you. Something so scary, no doubt, you’ll feel sick at the thought, but you need to get out of your marriage. Free yourself to find real happiness. I know change is terrifying – especially after 11 years stuck in the same holding pattern – but it can also be incredibly powerful. So feel the fear. Run toward it. Do it knowing you’ll be able to look back on your life in 20 years and be proud of your choices … rather than still stuck in the same sad, lonely and frustrating rut with the same disinterested and distant guy.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

3 Comments

  1. ro.watson 7 years ago

    P.S That was harsh advice from a 12 year old girl given to me in a time of trial. It is good advice.

  2. ro.watson 7 years ago

    Just free associating ~ call it a prelude to poetry~ and got your site!! Anyway~ tell someone who cares!!

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