She says there’s no spark. Do I move on?

She says there’s no spark. Do I move on?

no spark

I was recently dating a girl for around 6 weeks and we both were having an amazing time. I have never felt this way about a girl before and she told me the same, I met her sister and her parents. However only a few days ago we had a chat and she said that although I was the most amazing person she had ever met there just wasn’t a spark.

I was gutted and still am. I didn’t beg, cry or try to change her mind I just left it at that and have given her her own space. Our sisters are quite close friends and apparently her sister and family are telling me to not give up on her but I’m in two minds. I respect her immensely and would feel as though I’m hassling her if I tried to get to the bottom of it but in saying that I want to lose someone I have such a deep connection with. I think she is a commitment phobe and although she has immense feelings for me too I believe she’s scared of opening her heart fully to me. Thanks for listening. What should I do? Aaron

Sorry you’ve had that karate chop to the heart, Aaron. Not knowing her, I can’t say if she meant it or not, but my guess is that a) she’s either not ready for anything serious, got freaked out and is using that line as an excuse to end things. Or b), she’s been struggling with feeling the same as you, but has been hiding it.

I know from experience that you can date someone, and like hanging out with them and think they’re cool and amazing … but not be into them. It’s a weird limbo to be in, but if the lust, chemistry, spark – call it what you will – is missing, at some point you realise you just can’t go on. It’s there or it’s not. It’s not fair to the other person, but when you’re the one not feeling it, the guilt can be enormous.

My advice is to move on. Craving a reason and the truth after a break-up is normal, but it’s also rare to get it – so you’re doing the best thing giving her space and getting on with your life. If she suddenly decides there is something worth keeping between you, then sure, you can decide if you want to go for round two. But I reckon her change of heart is far more likely if you show her you’re not hanging around waiting for it.

Love, reality chick


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5 Comments

  1. me 5 years ago

    Yep, this sux alright. Ive been here too. I was falling hard for someone who I could honestly see my self with. M heart was heavy, I felt jumpy when I heard the phone buzz with a message. We were intimate (not sexually) and she said she liked me, kisses on texts…then out of no where, BOOM, she went cold, stand offish and the pattern of her behaviour changed. I knew something wasn’t right but didn’t push at all. She cancelled a date and then wouldn’t want to chat on the phone two times. What did I do? Gave her patience, space, understanding. Then we went out and she would hold my hand. I asked her straight out in a nice way,where we stood. She was vague and non committal so again I thought give her time. When I got home I realised I was doing my self a disservice and deserved more than this. So I told her that I liked her and that I would like to continue and then it was basically ‘Im sorry but there isn’t a spark for me’. Yep it hurt, yep I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t that I was rejected or that some lucky person would get to be with her who she would lust after that hurt. It was the fact that id eventually found someone who was perfect for me and the few times we spent together were great and it was a lost opportunity just because I ticked 9 boxes out of 10 for her. That one box left unticked is very important to some, NOT all. Sadly, most people who wait for that spark will usually 1. wait forever 2. fiind it then lose it and end up back at the start again. 3. Find it, preserve it and still end up hurt or 4. Find it and keep it (Which ive never heard of) and ive been around the block over 3 decades, married and divorced. That x factor, lust, chemistry, whatever is not just about attraction. In fact, most of the time it has nothing to do with it. Its about connecting on a whole different level that you don’t with anyone else. It can be anything and usually nothing to do with lust or attraction (for women).

    • Author

      Sorry for your pain ME. I do think you’re right, that some people chase that early r’ship high forever, to their detriment. However, I think in a relationship there has to be some kind of grrrr / lust / chemistry factor. If it’s not there on both sides, it’s really hard to grow things.

      • Me 5 years ago

        Yes Rachel, I agree. What was incredibly baffling to me that it seemed to be there for both of us. There were signs she was both into me and not into me and maybe she was feeling her way around her own ‘true’ feelings together with the possibility of bad timing as she had been hurt a year ago and has trust issues which were revealed to me several times. At the end of the day though..it all comes down to ‘its meant to be’ but on occasion I just cant help feel that we make our own destiny, our own choices and sometimes the timing of those choices that we make are just as crucial as the decision itself. Its always harder to understand what happens to us when its a first and for me, this was definitely a first ‘there is something missing for me, I don’t feel a spark’. The only way I can look at it is this…she knows herself better than I do, and that if she was truly honest with herself, then it was the right decision for her and probably saved us both a lot more pain further down the line. Thanks for the reply.

  2. Missylee 7 years ago

    I have been with the most amazing person and it was missing the spark I felt It needed to make it a relationship.
    I think that she meant what she said. A great person can be a great friend but I always look for the spark for it to be anything more.. sorry

  3. Lola 7 years ago

    Dear Aaron: move on, move on, move on!
    You want to be with someone who is truly into you. It appears to me that she has been pretty straightforward and is telling you what she feels. Period.
    I understand what you must be going through because I’ve been there myself. The reasons that this lady gave you are hard to accept and you’re broken hearted. Don’t delude yourself thinking that she’s a commitment phobic and that she’s “scared of opening her heart fully” to you. You’ll probably never know. Very best of luck to you 🙂

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