I generally have a great relationship with my live-in boyfriend of several years. When we first got together, we had sex constantly, which was great, but as it always does things slowed down, now settling happily (for me) at several times a week. However, he wants it MUCH more than I do. I swear, the poor guy has a permanent boner.
I feel bad that I can’t keep, erm, on top of things like I used to, but really a couple of times a week is all I need and want. He is a great guy and never pushes me into it but I can see our sex drives are seeming to be more and more mismatched. Everything else in our relationship is great, but I worry that when we have kids (which we are hoping to do in the not too distant future) the problem will get worse (as friends with kids tell me sex slows right down after baby!). I also worry this lack of sex secretly bothers him, he is much too sweet to ever tell me otherwise! Is a sex drive mis-match normal? What do you suggest I do? Do I need to man up and just have sex every day (the very thought exhausts me!) Would love to hear a man’s perspective on this too! Exhausted
Dear Exhausted, this is one of those classic ‘be careful what you wish for’ scenarios. At first it’s thrilling and wonderful to bang each other’s brains out all day every day, but after a few years it’s perfectly normal to be more like: “Hey sweetie, I’d rather spoon and get an early night. Do you mind putting that giant boner away so I can watch The Voice?’’
You do not need to ‘man up’ and take one for the team if you’re not in the mood as often as he is. Nobody ever died of lack of nookie (as far as I’m aware) and miss-matched sex drives are common in relationships. They don’t need to be a deal-breaker – you just have to find a happy compromise.
A few times a week might be your sweet spot, but (awkward as it might feel) take some time to talk to your boy about what his sexual needs are and how you can reach a rough weekly tally that you’re both content with. Perhaps to meet his sex drive you could ‘break’ the rules one week a month and get busy on a daily basis for seven days, then return to normal programming. Just an idea!
Ooh, and congrats on your decision to start a family. It sounds like you guys have a great connection and shared vision. Don’t worry too much about how a pregnancy might impact your sex life. Things might slow down as you enter your third trimester and lose sight of your toes, but those pregnancy hormones might bring your libido up to match his. And speaking as someone who knows a little about libido post childbirth – babies and sex aren’t a match made in heaven, at least for the first sleep deprived, foggy six months. But if your partner is patient (and he’ll have to be) then he can wait it out, and grab action in between feeding and napping. Certainly, becoming a parent doesn’t mean closing shop on a healthy love life. Over to our manly man to give you his opinion on the topic. Don’t forget to send us some baby pics!
Love, reality chick
Manswers Man BB says… “Ah yes, we all remember the early years in a new relationship, where no room in the house, no piece of furniture and no time of the day or night is out of bounds on the sexual front. In time things naturally do slow down, sure. The truth is, most blokes would like to do the wild thing every day, sometimes more. As Billy Crystal said, “Woman need a reason for sex, men just need a place”. Personally I’m a believer in quality, not quantity. Why don’t you try reducing the regularity but turning up the intensity and hopefully in time he will see that sometimes less can be more. Or you could just talk about it and let him know you love to ride the bus, but just not so often – and can you reach a happy medium? One thing’s for sure, if you do decide to have children rest assured the sleep deprivation will throw a bucket of cold water on his libido for the first few months at least.”