MANSWERS: I just can’t keep up with my partner’s permanent hard-on

MANSWERS: I just can’t keep up with my partner’s permanent hard-on

permanent hard on sexI generally have a great relationship with my live-in boyfriend of several years. When we first got together, we had sex constantly, which was great, but as it always does things slowed down, now settling happily (for me) at several times a week. However, he wants it MUCH more than I do. I swear, the poor guy has a permanent boner.

I feel bad that I can’t keep, erm, on top of things like I used to, but really a couple of times a week is all I need and want. He is a great guy and never pushes me into it but I can see our sex drives are seeming to be more and more mismatched. Everything else in our relationship is great, but I worry that when we have kids (which we are hoping to do in the not too distant future) the problem will get worse (as friends with kids tell me sex slows right down after baby!). I also worry this lack of sex secretly bothers him, he is much too sweet to ever tell me otherwise! Is a sex drive mis-match normal? What do you suggest I do? Do I need to man up and just have sex every day (the very thought exhausts me!) Would love to hear a man’s perspective on this too! Exhausted

Dear Exhausted, this is one of those classic ‘be careful what you wish for’ scenarios. At first it’s thrilling and wonderful to bang each other’s brains out all day every day, but after a few years it’s perfectly normal to be more like: “Hey sweetie, I’d rather spoon and get an early night. Do you mind putting that giant boner away so I can watch The Voice?’’

You do not need to ‘man up’ and take one for the team if you’re not in the mood as often as he is. Nobody ever died of lack of nookie (as far as I’m aware) and miss-matched sex drives are common in relationships. They don’t need to be a deal-breaker – you just have to find a happy compromise.

A few times a week might be your sweet spot, but (awkward as it might feel) take some time to talk to your boy about what his sexual needs are and how you can reach a rough weekly tally that you’re both content with. Perhaps to meet his sex drive you could ‘break’ the rules one week a month and get busy on a daily basis for seven days, then return to normal programming. Just an idea!

Ooh, and congrats on your decision to start a family. It sounds like you guys have a great connection and shared vision. Don’t worry too much about how a pregnancy might impact your sex life. Things might slow down as you enter your third trimester and lose sight of your toes, but those pregnancy hormones might bring your libido up to match his. And speaking as someone who knows a little about libido post childbirth – babies and sex aren’t a match made in heaven, at least for the first sleep deprived, foggy six months. But if your partner is patient (and he’ll have to be) then he can wait it out, and grab action in between feeding and napping. Certainly, becoming a parent doesn’t mean closing shop on a healthy love life. Over to our manly man to give you his opinion on the topic. Don’t forget to send us some baby pics!

Love, reality chick

Manswers Man BB says… “Ah yes, we all remember the early years in a new relationship, where no room in the house, no piece of furniture and no time of the day or night is out of bounds on the sexual front. In time things naturally do slow down, sure. The truth is, most blokes would like to do the wild thing every day, sometimes more. As Billy Crystal said, “Woman need a reason for sex, men just need a place”. Personally I’m a believer in quality, not quantity. Why don’t you try reducing the regularity but turning up the intensity and hopefully in time he will see that sometimes less can be more. Or you could just talk about it and let him know you love to ride the bus, but just not so often – and can you reach a happy medium? One thing’s for sure, if you do decide to have children rest assured the sleep deprivation will throw a bucket of cold water on his libido for the first few months at least.”

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Roger 4 years ago

    I think I’m the lucky one. We have been married for 10 years and still have sex every day, sometimes twice. It just feels right every night. If I don’t initiated it my wife does. I hope it never ends.

  2. BT 4 years ago

    My boyfriend verbally abuses me. He woke up this morning and called me: stupid, bitch and lazy all because I couldn’t get in touch with my manager to see when I work next. This is a daily routine. He could have a dream that I cheated on him and I will hear about it all through out the day especially that morning. When he goes to initiate sex he pats his crotch like he thinks I’m a dog and I’m suppose to run over, unzip his pants and start sucking. If I tell him no he snaps and says I’m not doing my job as a girlfriend or that I’m a sucky girlfriend it’s almost as if he thinks my gender is the lesser and he owns me, we aren’t even married but trust me we are never going to be. I think about his behavior when I turn him down about sex and then the next time he asks me it influences me to say no. He keeps telling me that I need to change and then I tell him he needs to change and he ignores me or says there’s nothing wrong with the way he is. EVERYTHING about him is wrong to me. I don’t like concieted guys. We can be out in public and he’ll want ice cream but the way he brings it up is “let’s go see Hershey girl” he has a crush on the cashier at the ice cream shop that’s why he says that. Everything a guy could do to make a girl hate him is exactly what my boyfriend does! I’ve been thinking about leaving him. He says it makes him uncomfortable when my dad wants me to drive him to the ABC store just us and then he went on to accuse me of sucking my dad’s dick. I am completely repelled, disgusted, grossed out and ready to toss this bitch in the nearest dumps.

  3. blah blah 5 years ago

    A relationship takes work, even the sex part. I’m an older guy with a younger girl that has a higher libido then me. I’m good doing it about twice a week. She could do it every day. And I know this. So, even when I’M not in the mood, I still work her over with manual stimulation (my hand). I do this while we’re watching tv or we’re in bed at night or whenever. She likes being dominated, so I set the mood by telling her to take her clothes off or pulling her panties down without her consent. I spank her, pull her hair, pinch her nipples, talk dirty… I get her in the mood and get her off, even when I’m not in the mood. Why? Because her gratification is my responsibility as her partner. You can’t just kick someone to the side and say “not in the mood, go do something about it yourself”. That is the most SELFISH thing a partner can say, and quickly makes the other person feel rejected. Imagine walking into a restaurant being hungry every day. The chef says “sorry, we only serve food every other day. But, you can go fix yourself a sandwich if you want. However, we won’t even lift a finger to help you.” You would quickly stop going to that restaurant. The same is with a partner. You have to meet their needs. Some people match flawlessly, and make it look effortless. Others require work in aspects where they can’t keep up. Yes, it’s WORK. But, you do it for them and the relationship. You do it because you love them and you’re thinking of them, not just being selfish and thinking of yourself. If you’re not willing to satisfy your partner with oral, manual or whatever gets them off when they’re in the mood, then you’re selfish and the relationship probably revolves around you. That is a one-sided relationship. Satisfying them can be as simple as just lifting your shirt, showing your boobs, and telling them to stroke off onto you. Or sitting on the couch watching tv together, he gets wood. Tell him to take his pants off and start stroking. Make him do it. Tease him. Talk dirty to him. When he nears climax give him a target to shoot at, or take your pants off and tell him to finish inside you. But you do whatever it takes to satisfy them. In a relationship, you have to think of each others needs, and satisfy your partner’s needs. Otherwise you will seem selfish, and that will just lead them to justify cheating on you.

  4. David Sheridan 5 years ago

    This is why men cheat. When tend to get comfortable after they got the man for awhile. Not saying men don’t do the same. But it appears to be the same scenario with men and women. The men want sex. The woman after getting what she needs from the relationship gets comfortable.

    This is another reason why there is so much divorce and why a lot of men are not getting married in the USA at this point among other things

  5. John (not Mike) 5 years ago

    Holy crap that picture is me right this second, LMAO!!!

  6. MJ 5 years ago

    As a man who has a much stronger libido than my wife, I have two suggestions. First, Kindness anticipates the needs of your spouse and makes the spruce who is showing kindness more attractive. This goes both ways.
    If your wife is too tired, then husbands should make the effort to anticipate the needs of their wife… Is she stressed or overworked? Is she getting enough sleep? What can you do to help take some of the weight off of her?

    Women, according to Dr. Laura, if your spouse is unable to get his needs met through his spouse, then you only leave him with the options of masturbation, porn or an extramarital affair. He will only be able to restrain himself for a period of time before these other options become appealing to him. Kindness anticipates his need and takes the appropriate steps to meet that need that he is supposed to only receive from you. If sex is too frequent, then try making your intimate times more passionate and intense with quality AND quantity. There could be more than one “episode” in an evening and it doesn’t have to end in 15-30 minutes. During the week of ovulation, a day off from work or a day during the weekend, allow him to make love to you to the absolute end of exhaustion! That should buy you time for rest the next day and leaves a man feeling completely satisfied when his ribs hurt from hours of lovemaking to his spouse that both enjoys and desires him!

    Lastly, work on your “connection!” When a deep sense of connection is there, both spouses are much more willing to go the extra mile for each other. Secure a time of uninterrupted time for conversation, make eye contact with each other and consider ways you can demonstrate kindness to your spouse by anticipating their needs.

  7. Josh 5 years ago

    Hello world, I’m actually a guy wanting to post my honest opinion on this topic. I’ve read a few comments and the actual responses from the site, and I do admit that everyone has a good and valid point. Not getting sex from your partner does feel ugly as you feel unwanted. If you are fresh in a relationship, and either your libido or your partner’s libido isn’t where it needs to be, then sex will be a problem in the future for sure. Sex is almost “expected” to occur on a daily basis during the beginning of a relationship.

    I agree with what “Theonlyonewhowilltellyouthetruth”. If you feel that your partner is secretly holding a grudge, then maybe he is. I tell you from personal experience. The three top reasons for breakups and divorces is “Money, Sex, infidelity.

    Lack of sex therefore may lead to infidelity, which may be the deal breaker. Compromise is good, just remember that men do need more sex than women.

  8. Theonlypersonwhowilltellyouthetruth 6 years ago

    If you wanted a bunch of anonymous people you don’t know and cant trust to tell you what you wanted to hear, then you came to the right place. If you want to hear an actual bit of truth please step into my office *sits down behind a large pinewood desk* OK so here it is. Men NEED to be highly sexual. It is how our species has survived. Believe it or not is is a fairly bizarre modern phenomenon where men sleep with only one woman in their life, a phenomenon that began during the age of romanticism during the the Renaissance. The purpose of a man’s sexuality is to guarantee he passes his genes on to the next generation, and obviously the more sex he has the more likely he is to succeed in this. A woman’s sexuality slows down because her purpose is to conceive of, bear and raise her young. So for all those eager to blame porn and advertising g and our modern “hypersexual culture” take a step back and look at HISTORY. In the past, man didn’t use porn to satisfy their desires, they used other women. If you don’t want him to end up being miserable and (against his will mind you) holding a subconscious grudge against you as you will be the “ball and chain” keeping him from a satisfying sex life, then give him a BJ every now and then when you’re not up for sex. Also make an effort to make the sex you DO have more special. Dress up in lingerie, spend more time on foreplay, be more spontaneous etc. Make it so that the times you actually do have sex are mind-blowingly good and leave him wanting more… from you not anyone else.

    OK so there’s you’re male perspective. Please don’t listen to the girls here as they are delusional and lost in their fantasy world of romanticism, idealism and the way THEY think the world should work. Sorry ladies, but it does not, in fact, work the way you want it to. If you can’t accept that, then please show your self out of the human race because we are already confused enough as it is.

    • Alissa 4 years ago

      I’m a female and I agree with Theonlypersonwhowilltellyouthetruth that you should not listen to other females. I know I’m not exactly the sex expert but I’ve been in enough “long term relationships” to know the difference between all these “male” situations and even the hardship of being the female. I’ve been the female that has been sex-deprived by her male (I know, shocking)… I’ve had the slowed down sizzle and excitement with time… I’ve had the relationship that goes through phases of experimenting… and I’m currently in a relationship where we have sex more than twice a day!

      It’s true that we get exhausted but ladies… your man wants YOU! It’s not about giving him what he wants, but it’s about allowing him to want you. Even when I’m not in the mood initially… we start to make out some, cuddle and caress, he breathes in my ears, he tells me he wants me, and before I know it, I want him just as much… no matter how tired I am. Sure I’ve told him “no” a couple of times when I was truly just plain exhausted, but I’ve never regretted when we get to connect on that level. You also can add to the situation by wearing something more sexy than usual under your clothes, get him riled up, that drive that he has for you is actually pretty hot.

      Some nights/days are more exciting than others, sure, and there are many “oh crap you have to be at in work in 30 mins, make it fast” moments, but they all add to your relationship. I frankly LOVE the way this boyfriend WANTS me compared to any of the other relationships that I’ve been in where the sex drive starts to fizzle out. Be careful what you wish for.

  9. Jane Black 7 years ago

    a rare, but increasingly common reason for high libido in men is hypersexuality aka sex addiction. activities that lead to this condition may begin innocently enough, such as the use of porn and masturbation. sometimes, these activities can turn normal desires into unrealistic and unsustainable sex drives, which create great demands and pressures on a female counterpart. an addict fuels his desire with porn, then may expect his mate to fulfill these desires, perhaps even objectifying his mate by expecting her to look or behave like a porn star. If his mate cannot keep up with his “needs”, he may turn to cheating, or fall deeper into his internet porn world.This is an increasingly common phenomenon in our hypersexualized culture, and the result is often catastrophic to a relationship over the long haul. here is a quote from a woman who married such a man: “When you’re with someone that wants it all the time, there’s never a chance for you to want it. You know he’s constantly thinking about it. It’s the only way he feels like he’s living, and it drains the life out of you.” if you suspect your partner may be suffering from sex addiction, educate yourself about the signs online. i found this free online book very helpful: the most personal addiction, by joe zychik.

    • Author

      Thanks for that Jane. It’s so spooky about that quote you mentioned. I had a friend in the same position who pretty much said the SAME thing to me word for word. It’s sad, because I reckon women in this situation may often feel like their libido just goes AWOL because they never have a chance to legitimately get aroused and initiate… if someone is always badgering them. So they think they don’t have a libido anymore, but it’s just in hiding, so to speak.

  10. Flopsybunny 9 years ago

    I had a friend who had a really healthy sex drive but when she met her hubby his eclipsed hers completely. It became a massive problem for them and she still says her sex drive has never been the same since… Because she’s never given the chance to work up any desire or have any distance cos he just wants it ALL the time. And for someone who once loved sex it’s now become a chore and a negotiation. Sad really. Makes me feel quite lucky that me and mr bunny are quite well matched in that dept!

  11. Kitty 9 years ago

    I’ve been here too. My partner is quite literally always up for it! I’d prefer 2-3 times a week. We are still striking a balance…but I do think I’ll look back at 50+ & think why didn’t I make the most of that sex on tap?!?

  12. Lola 9 years ago

    One of the guys I follow on Twitter posted the following (translated from Spanish):
    “Someone won’t be able to sleep tonight – I’m getting horny”.
    It may go both ways, may it not? Whoever has the highest libido may lose sleep over feelings of rejection (I’ve been there myself), and their partner may lose sleep over ‘too much sexual activity’ for their taste (I’ve been there myself too).
    Striking a happy medium is of the essence, and I agree that a baby has that wonderful, ‘cooling off’ effect in the first months. However – with or without baby – I’d advocate a sense of humour as the best way to start dealing with mismatched libidos.

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