RC is asked questions on all topics. Sometimes, the letters sent in inspire an essay (or close). Other times, just a few lines will do – and all those letters are popped into a semi-regular section called quickies. It’s just how it sounds – a short, fast dose of RC advice. Don’t forget, if you need advice from RC or the Manswers team, drop us a line via the Question Box.
He’s grossed out by going down on me
I’m 23 and the man I’ve been seeing for about 8 months is 21. We’re expecting a baby in December and have had a definite attraction since day one. Our sex life is great and the relationship’s healthy, he’s the most respectable person I’ve ever met, with one issue. After a few months’ dating he decided to go down on me during sex and he suddenly stopped and looked like he was grossed out. I asked him why he stopped and he said he was going to be sick. After that I was very embarrassed (as you would be!) and got upset but he never really gave me a legit answer to why, just that he ‘didn’t like doing that’. I let it go until now, and he did try to go down on me one more time since but I pushed him away because of the first time. We haven’t talked about it at all. And he’s not a big talker. I have never had anyone else complain about going down on me. The people I’ve dated seemed happy about it. So what am I doing wrong? Is it him? Someone please give me an answer. AllieCH
Your partner telling you he’s going to be sick after going down on you is hard to come back from. But come back you must – you guys have a baby on the way and you cannot let this thing slide, embarrassed as you both obviously are by it. Let me say that you’re NOT alone in this issue, Allie (as you’ll see in this Q&A here) so please don’t take it on board for one second, especially if it’s been AOK with previous partners. You guys have to learn to communicate about all the icky, awkward stuff because a) that’s what successful relationships take and b) you’ll have to negotiate through a minefield of issues as you become parents and you may as well start now. Plus, the fact that he tried to make amends and do it again shows that he’s keen to please you and even if he’s not that keen on the act itself. Firstly, figure out how you feel about it (if he doesn’t want to do it would you be okay with that? Or is it a dealbreaker? Does he like you to do it to him? Is it something you can compromise on? And so on.) Once you’re ready to bring it up, I’d tackle it honestly and carefully – even with a bit of humour if you can manage it. “So, this is awkward – for both of us – but the oral sex thing. Do you like it? Hate it? Feeling as weird about it as I am…? Can we talk about it?” and go from there. Good luck.
He’s gone cold on me and I don’t know why
I am a youthful 60-something and I have kept in touch with someone with whom I had a very passionate affair with in my twenties. Fourteen years ago he found me through social networking and we started emailing each other. In every one he mentions meeting after the initial witty banter. Four months ago when my marriage was breaking up I rang him and we met. The feelings were just the same and the first meeting highly charged. Messaging and emails followed and we were getting on brilliantly. I was well aware that he had to go abroad for a few months and the fond messages continued. Eventually they dwindled and now he has come back without telling me and I heard just three lines from him. I am trying to get over this. It has been so hurtful and perplexing. Morgan
He hasn’t quite ‘ghosted’ you – basically a dating term for just disappearing without explanation – but it’s pretty close. And it’s an awful thing to go through, whether you’re expecting it or not. I’d say there’s a good chance that he was seeing other people as well as you, which is totally common and ‘normal’ on today’s dating scene. Maybe he’s not serious about a relationship and sensed you might be? Maybe he felt you hadn’t been out of your marriage long and were rebounding / not ready? Maybe he’s just a bit of a coward and didn’t want anything beyond a catch-up and some flirty banter, so he let the contact dwindle in lieu of being honest. I don’t know. I can’t say, of course, not knowing him, but I agree that moving on – or attempting to – is the best course of action right now. You’ve learned a valuable lesson, too, about how invested to let yourself get with someone early, whether you know them or not.
We broke up two years ago but I can’t get over her
I’m badly depressed because of my break up. It’s almost 2 years now, and I still long for her. I just feel like I’ve gone crazy. We broke up for what I thought were lame reasons, out of the blue, when I thought things were going ok. She gave me loads of mixed messages like, “It’s not that I don’t love you”, “I can’t be what you want right now”, “I don’t know what else there is to say at this point, if were meant to be together we will be again”, etc etc. Then six months later she got back in touch, saying that when we were happy it was the happiest she’s ever been, she’s truly never felt the same way about anyone else, and suggested we go see a counsellor. I was overjoyed. She went twice on her own because we had worked out she has some commitment issues. Then, before I could go with her to work on our relationship, she told me she never normally goes back and blocked all contact. I was and still am so confused and devastated. This was the first woman I ever wanted to spend my life with! We talked about marriage and a future and then she’s gone! Now she’s in a new relationship. I’m totally gutted and I can’t stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her. I love her. Please help! John
I totally get that everything she said messed with your head. She gave you some lame cliched excuses, bailed on you, came back, confused you even more with talk of counselling and how happy she’d been with you, then bailed again. Crazy, classic commitment-phobic behaviour that has left you a bit broken in more ways than one. But John. It’s time to let her go. It’s been two years and she’s in another relationship and fixating on her isn’t good or healthy for you in any way. You know that. That’s why you’re writing to me. You might find some solace writing your ex a letter saying goodbye, or reading the other letters at Letter To My Ex, or reading the stuff in the blog. Or you might actually find it helpful to get some counselling yourself, which can provide strategies to steer you to a better place and away from all the memories you’re fixated on. I wish you all the best.