We get asked questions on all topics. Sometimes, the letters we’re sent inspire us to write an essay (or close). Other times, we feel just a few lines will do – and we pop all those letters into a semi-regular section called quickies. It’s just how it sounds – a short, fast dose of RC advice. Hands up who doesn’t love a quickie? We thought so. In our latest update, we’re fielding some particular curly questions (including a few we’ve never been asked before.) Don’t forget, if you need advice, you can always drop us a line via the Question Box.
We were on a break, but…
About seven months ago, my girlfriend and I took a week-long break from our relationship. I didn’t do anything with any other girls during that time, but I found out two months ago that my girlfriend, during the break, did A LOT that she didn’t tell me about. And before we got back together I asked her if she did anything with any other people and she said no. Now it’s eating me up, I keep thinking about it, is there any way to forget about this shit?! It would help our relationship so much if I could. I’ve talked to her plenty of times [about it] and I really want my feelings on the matter to go away. James
Yeah, it’s crap that your girlfriend wasn’t honest about being with other people on your break. But while the lying hurts, I’m guessing what hurts more is that she got her jollies with other people … and you didn’t. Psychologically, I reckon that’s going to be hard to get over. You might not be able to get over it. Not immediately anyway. If she’s the one you really want to be with, you’ll need to somehow be the bigger person here, and accept that you need time to adjust, time to rebuild your trust, and time to rebuild your relationship. If you can’t do that, you’ll need to be honest with yourself and admit that. Maybe what you had can’t be put back together – not in the way you wish anyway – and sticking around and letting thoughts of that week-long break fester and haunt you and poison your relationship just makes you a masochist. Moving on might be easier.
He cheated, we’re divorcing. OK to get a bedpal?
I caught my husband cheating. I threw him out and he came back, but nothing has changed and we’re getting divorced in December this year. In the interim, I’m waiting for him to move out and I’m trying to find a job and find myself. But – I miss having a male friend. I’ve got this moral compass that says to me I can only sleep with my husband. What’s your advice? Can I get a male friend without going against my morals? DaSaint
I don’t get why you’re back living under the same roof as the husband you plan to divorce at the end of the year… but, maybe there are financial or custody issues you haven’t included. Technically, you’re separated. You’re getting a divorce. So why not date? Why not have a bed pal? I sure as shit wouldn’t be taking the moral high ground in your situation – after all, your husband didn’t or you wouldn’t be IN this situation – so be happy. Let your lady parts be happy. But if your ex is around, please, take your man friend to a hotel, rather than the former marital bed. It’s courteous AND classy.
I’m gay but don’t look it; should I put myself out there?
I’m a 21-year-old bisexual who is between a rock and a hard place when it comes to guys. I’d love to get into dating, particularly with guys, but I find that the whole flamboyant Oxford Street kind of gay scene really isn’t where I feel comfortable. I don’t look like a “twink,” either – in fact, I’m pretty much the opposite. Very little about my exterior suggests that I’m interested in the same sex, which leads me to ask if it’s worth the effort of putting myself out there in the first place? Quietly Queer
I hate to say it, but someone has to: EXCUSES! Of course you should put yourself out there. Not necessarily in the Oxford Street scene if that doesn’t fly your kite, but how about a dating site like Olusive, which has a straight lounge, a gay lounge, a lesbian lounge and a bi lounge. Remember, no one falls in love – or lust – by sitting on the couch watching Mad Men. Even if you have a penchant for unavailable TV stars like Jon Hamm.
Help, he wants to try anal!
My boyfriend wants to try anal intercourse and I’m very worried. Mainly because he is ridiculously well-endowed. Is there a size limit? K
There’s always a size limit when it comes to body orifices. And if your guy’s ding-dong is on the triple-X size, you’re probably right to be a bit worried. Have you ever tried anal before? If not, read this article for essential do’s and don’ts and a few ideas on experimenting in that area (studies show one in four couples have tried it, so you’re in good company). Also, you guys should talk about what to expect before you go there, make sure he respects the need to go SUPER slow, and stock up beforehand on condoms and LOTS of good lubricant.
He blows hot and cold. What’s his problem?
I have been seeing a guy for three months. We’ve only gone as far as oral and heavy petting. He is hot for me one minute then I don’t hear from him for a day or two – or worse, we make plans then he rarely follows through. I’ve asked if he is seeing others but he denies it. He says when he feels as though he is getting too emotionally attached to me, he backs off because he wants to keep it casual but then when we see each other again, (we work together) he can’t stay away from me. I don’t get it. I have tried to end it more than once, usually via a long text and he always comes back with something like, ‘Why did you text me those mean things’ or ‘Don’t text me that sh*t again!’. Then we have a long talk and we communicate some then within a few days, he does the exact same thing again! WTF? I’m tired of searching the internet, reading all the ‘He’s just not into you’ blogs and such. I consider myself a great catch – loyal, pretty, independent. I just don’t know what is the problem! Is he using me for his ego? Is there someone else? Is he just commitment shy? We are both strong, Alpha types and I’m more vocal about my feelings, it takes me leaving him to get him to open up. I like him and know this could be something great but I’m ready to bolt! Help! Shivering In Virginia
He’s just not ready for the level of commitment you are. He’s all but admitted – by words and actions – that he wants to keep it casual and likes having you on speed dial when it suits him. Maybe he is seeing other people. Or maybe it’s a timing thing – he knows you’re great but isn’t ready for more, so he just keeps the whole thing bubbling along ON HIS TERMS. Which is great for him, but totally sucks for you. My advice? End it for real so you’re free to find someone who wants what you want – it’s downright impossible to do that when you’re stuck in someone else’s holding pattern.
Our fights are getting worse
My boyfriend and I are getting quite serious. We are going to move in together in about four months and he’s amazing, we love each other a lot. We have started fighting over little things that really don’t matter, like most couples do, and later we get over it and laugh it off, but lately every single time we fight over something horribly small that shouldn’t matter it’s taking longer and longer to get over. Not on my part – I get over it quick, and apologize, but my boyfriend keeps acting as distant as ever, later he tells me he feels like the worst boyfriend ever for getting angry at me, and I tell him it doesn’t matter, but his mood just darkens and he has started hating himself. It now takes days for me to convince him that he isn’t shit and he’s amazing and to stop him from hating himself … and it’s getting harder every time. He’s starting to completely block himself off from me emotionally when we fight, won’t tell me how he’s feeling at all. Then he asks why it’s always about me and how I’m feeling when all I’m trying to do is find out what he’s feeling … What is happening, and how can I stop it from happening? He really is amazing and I hate him being so down on himself. Kelly
My first thought here is – has he suffered from depression in the past? If so, read this for tips on how to help him. I only suggest that because it doesn’t quite add up that these increasingly dysfunctional fights would be happening suddenly, given you guys are getting more serious and preparing to move in together. Maybe that’s also a factor, that he’s not ready to co-habit and so he is – even unconsciously – trying to unsettle things between you and trying to make these little fights worse than they really are. I’d delay that move, Kelly, til you guys can get your communicating sorted. The last thing you want to do is create a shared space in which you’re going to have to walk around eggshells and be careful what you say in case you upset him. Because that’ll be really fun. Not.