RC is asked questions on all topics. Sometimes, the letters sent in inspire an essay (or close). Other times, just a few lines will do – and all those letters are popped into a semi-regular section called quickies. It’s just how it sounds – a short, fast dose of RC advice. Don’t forget, if you need advice from RC or the Manswers team, drop us a line via the Question Box.
Why do single people sleep around so much?
After a very painful divorce to my wife of 25 years (a divorce that frankly blindsided me), I’ve finally met someone who I think is incredible, but who slept around with men she met online because she thought sex was how to get a guy to invest in a relationship. I know you’ll never find a perfect scenario as far as meeting someone, and she knows that I’m a traditional guy and haven’t slept with 20 girls to find the right one for me. I’m not saying she’s trashy because she’s a good person but why can’t I get over these images of her with the other guys? We haven’t been intimate yet because she wants to do something right in her life. So I guess my question is, why do people sleep around so much before realising it’s a bad idea? Jeff
Oh Jeff, if I had $100 for every time I answered your question I’d be in Tahiti right now. I talk about it in my book. I talk about it here, here, here and here. Single people do what they feel is right for them at the time. They have the luxury of making those choices without someone judging them. And good for them. Our experiences shape who we are, and that’s the bottom line. The trouble starts when we share our warts-and-all experiences with people who may judge us. She felt you needed to know about her past – a past that she’s not happy about and, it sounds like, regrets. And you’ve rewarded her by becoming a) obsessed with it and b) wishing she was a different woman. But what can you do about it, short of ending things with her? Nothing. NOTHING. So get over it, realise it’s actually none of your business and absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship going forward. And please, realise one thing: when you’ve been married 25 years and are back in the dating scene meeting women who are (I’m guessing?) around your age, everyone’s got baggage. EVERYONE. And if you can’t get your head around that, you may as well commit to being a hermit.
Should I move on?
What would be the sign to start thinking about moving on from a long-distance relationship after three years with no commitment from him? Solene
No sign. Just what you feel in your gut. And it sounds to me like you’re sick of waiting. If you aren’t on the same page, you’re better off walking away – you’ll be sad at first, sure, but in time relieved and free to find someone who wants what you want. So don’t waste any more time if you sense he’ll keep stringing you along indefinitely.
Who should I choose?
After my ex that I loved so much broke my heart, I haven’t been able to really care about anybody ever since. Anyway, there’s this guy (Q), who’s leaving me and graduating in less than a month and moving to San Diego. I somewhat like him and he really likes me so I’m not sure if I should continue this thing we have going on or let it go. I’ve never given long distance relationships a try. There is also this other guy (A), who also really likes me. He’s really sweet but he tends to put his friends before anybody else. I’ve planned 3 dates to hang out and he’s bailed on me each time. We see each other and talk briefly everyday on campus but I think he just likes face timing, snap chatting, and texting me (all over the phone) but never hanging out or talk in person. What do I DO? Chass
Nothing, because neither of these guys are right. Q likes you but you only ‘somewhat’ like him – that’s not enough to hang a long-distance relationship on, which can be extremely hard and really dependent on both parties being all in and committed. And A is a flirt and a game-player who probably has a harem of chicks on SnapChat. Steer clear and enjoy being single. You sound like you need more time to heal anyway and once you’re ready, you’ll naturally attract the right guys to you. Promise.
Do I take a chance on my workmate?
There’s this guy at my job. We’ve known each other for a year. He’s nice and sweet. We talk about school and movies, we have a lot in common. We always make each other laugh. Nevertheless, I never really thought about him in a romantic way. I just wasn’t attracted; he didn’t do it for me. But just the other day, he came up to me and suddenly Wow. He was hot. Then a small part of me suddenly realized was my type. (Smart, funny, a movie geek). But the rest of me, still saw my slightly dorky coworker. So I wrote it off. Refused to think about it. Refused to get a crush on him. He’s my coworker. But I wonder if I should. So what do you say? Should I ignore even the possibility of a budding crush? Or should I say what the hell? Jesse
If you’re really serious AND you feel like he might be too AND you’re not just going to string him along, then sure, you should say ‘what the hell’ and give it a go. But if you’re not sure, and you think there’s a chance you may backpedal, don’t go there. You work with the guy. It can be excruciating working with a former flame (take it from me).