She’s everything I want in a girl, except for one small thing…

She’s everything I want in a girl, except for one small thing…

everything i want in a girlI’ve been dating my girlfriend for 4 months now and I absolutely love everything about her. I’m quite crazy when it comes to things I look for in women.

I need her to have nice hands/feet, hair parted the right, non-vegetarian, no braces, two-syllable name, and a virgin. I met a girl that fit 99 percent of this detail and I am currently in love with her. The one percent of the facts that she does not fit is the virgin part. She has only had sexual intercourse once in her life, and it was a one-night stand over 2 years ago. When I’m with her, everything is fine and the thought does not cross my mind. But for the past week this fact has been constantly bothering me while I’m lying in my bed to the point where I am tossing and turning with bad feelings going all over my body.

I can’t seem to push the thought of her doing it with some other guy that isn’t me. This girl is my first girlfriend and I really do want her to be my last, but I can’t deal with the fact that I was so close to getting 100 percent of what I wanted in a girl and she’s not it. My mind just thinks the worst about the situation no matter what and just wishes it didn’t exist. It trails off to what she thinks, is she proud she did it? Does she regret? Did it actually make her what she is today? Was she really raped? So many questions I wanna ask but don’t wanna ask at the same time.

My mind just won’t let me forget and it’s absolutely tearing me up inside! I want to tell her how I feel but I don’t want to make our relationship awkward in any way. Maybe it’s a jealousy thing due to the fact that I’m still a virgin myself. I ultimately think that I just need to get this off my chest to someone and hear their thoughts. Wayne

Wayne, I’m glad you have noticed that your list in a women is ‘quite crazy.’ It’s loopy, dude. 100 percent coco loco. We’re not quite sure why you’ve developed this laundry list of odd things you look for in a girlfriend, but you’re definitely going to miss out on dating some lovely girls in the future if you stick to your two barrelled name, hair parted to the right vibe (although I do get the vegetarian thing … always have preferred a meat eater myself). Apart from the narrowness of your list, there is something else that REALLY bothers me about your current situation. In fact Wayne, it gives me bad feelings going all over my body. You allude to the fact that your girlfriend may actually have been date raped and that’s why she doesn’t tick your ‘must be virgin’ category.

Surely you know this a highly traumatic sexual assault on her (a serious crime, too) not an act of lust and libido. So why ON EARTH would she feel proud about it? She’s more likely to feel violated, scared or depressed. And why would you feel jealous of her? You should actually feel protective and outraged that someone you love was put in this terrible situation. She wasn’t ‘doing it’ with another guy and having a great time. She was being physically assaulted. BIG difference.

So, here’s the advice part Wayne – listen up. Forget your silly list and look for more important qualities in a person – honesty, a great sense of humour, adventurous spirit, kindness, faithfulness and intelligence are all a good start. Whether or not she has braces seems irrelevant to us.

Sure – ask her a few of your burning questions about the night in question. But do it without the accusatory tone or the jealousy. Ask her how she felt, did she get to talk to anyone about the rape, how she’s feels now about sex, what she feels comfortable with physically at the moment in your relationship. Then, when you’ve talked (sensitively, Wayne!) then try very hard to LET IT GO. You’ve found a wonderful girl, who likes you, who miraculously fits your list. Don’t screw is up by being all weird about her sexual history.

If you find it’s all still too hard to deal with, then talk to someone you trust – like a teacher, sibling or parent. Because being all torn up inside isn’t good for you and it’s no good for your girl.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

9 Comments

  1. Bron 8 years ago

    I’ve had another read through this and realised perhaps i read part of it the wrong way…

    I’d really like some clarification on this – so please answer if you read this

    Is this girl saying she was raped – and you have referred to it as a one night stand – because i assure you, rape is NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES a one night stand. It is a violent assault and in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM her fault.

    If she had a one night stand and you are wondering “was it really rape” as in “was it actually rape” then i’m thinking something she has said has led you to think it was rape and if so, HOW DARE YOU JUDGE HER!

    If she had a one night stand and you would like to think it was rape because that would make you feel better – then NOW is the time to walk away because that is a horrible horrible horrible thing to wish on anyone.

    But overall – you are not ready for a real relationship. Your shopping list is rather foul and denigrating to all women and until you grow up and are willing to accept women for who they are instead of looking for your warped idea of who they should be, you will make the life of any woman with you a living hell. They will know they can never live down to your standards (and yes i mean down not up) and you will end up destroying their self-esteem – if one of them doesn’t flatten you for your attitude towards them….and that is a distinct possibility.

    Walk away from this relationship, get some help, and then, and only then, look for a woman who is allowed to be a real person, not some distorted idea of perfect.

    • Kitty 8 years ago

      That part really bothered me too Bron.! And I’d also love to hear this girl’s side of the story.

  2. bron 8 years ago

    I’d really like the girl you’re talking about to get in touch with RC – so we can warn her to get the hell away from you…

    really….

    Personal opinion? Your problem is not so much that she isn’t a virgin, it’s that you believe you are not going to compare favourably with the other guy.

    You’re right.

  3. Bubble Girl 8 years ago

    This guy can’t be for real, surely this is a joke right?

    But Wayne . . . if you are real and this is a real situation . . . I agree with everyone else, you need to see somebody professionally. And I would suggest that you stay away from any type of sexual/romantic relationship with anyone until you get your shit sorted out. You could cause some real damage to someone.

  4. Lola 8 years ago

    Wackyjack is right, Wayne: you need counselling for sure. Someone’s sexual history (or lack thereof) is their own. Besides, in life you never get EXACTLY what you want or bargain for.
    Someone’s sexual past is their own, all ‘misdemeanours’ included. Accepting this reality is called ‘basic respect’. How would you feel if things were the other way around?

  5. Wackyjack 8 years ago

    Wayne as a psychologist I say sincerely you need to see someone, if havinga relationship is part of your future. Go now while you’re stirred up and get help breaking down why. In the meantime give this girl space, for both of your sakes.

  6. GG 8 years ago

    Wow!! This is outrageous and kind of creepy! If you truly love someone, you should be able to accept them for who they are, minor misdemeanours and all! Not that you can even call having sex with someone else before you even met a misdemeanour….

    Remember, hate destroys the hater! Let it go!!

  7. PJ 8 years ago

    Wayne, seriously dude – are you kidding?

    I think you need some serious perspective – have you thought about your own imperfections? Like your list as a starting point?

    99% – this girl sounds awesome, and I’m wondering what she’s doing with you. Would you be a 99% to her?

    I absolutely agree with RC’s advice “Don’t screw is up by being all weird about her sexual history” – and start being sensitive about her needs.

  8. Suzie 8 years ago

    Dear Wayne,
    Get a hold of yourself and go and see a shrink,honestly this gal does not deserve someone like you, she could end up scarred for life living up to your fetishisms.

    Suzie

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