She’s suspicious and insecure. Then there are my issues…

She’s suspicious and insecure. Then there are my issues…

I love my girlfriend more than anything in this world; and we’ve been together for 2 years now. I feel like I could, and do very well want to marry her. There are a few setbacks that keep getting in the way of us though. We get into arguments that don’t need to happen at all.

For example, she’s extremely insecure with herself; even though I tell her she’s beautiful all the time. She doesn’t like the idea of me being around other women, so when I go to college and come home she asks if I’ve seen any ‘pretty’ women at college, trying to set me up for a complete trap. I reassure her that I’m not there to look at women, I’m there to learn and that she’s the only one for me but it continues all the time and it’s really starting to wear me down.

Other times she will bring up something about an ex girlfriend of mine, and then when I bring her up she shuts me out and gets angry with me. I do admit that I get extremely distraught and angry at times when she asks questions that concern my character. I’ve never been an unfaithful partner to anyone in my life and I take it as a personal attack to my character whenever she questions how I feel about other women and puts out the assumption that I’m ‘checking them out’.

Recently there has been talks of possible break ups, even though it’s not what either of us want; we just don’t understand each other, and when I try to sit down and understand her, she wants to run away from all the problems and not explain to me what’s upsetting her. There is also another underlying problem that has been getting to me, and it’s that she’s not a virgin, but I am. I can’t help but be upset thinking about her with another man, and she gets upset with me for it, and I tell her that I’m working on putting it aside, because I will it’s just difficult, but she seems to want to think it’s possible for me to just erase the problem overnight.

I like to think that losing your virginity to someone is supposed to mean something, so I’ve saved it all this time for the one person I want to share it with, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is most definitely her. I’m sorry if I’ve been awfully confusing but my head is just not in the right place at the moment. I don’t want to lose her, but I want some change in the relationship, from the both of us. I acknowledge that some of my behaviours are unacceptable towards her and I’m striving to fix my issues to ensure a healthy relationship. What I’m really curious about is if there is a way for her to change her constant suspicions and insecurities around me, as I’ve done nothing to lose her trust or be questioned. A.R

There’s a lot going on her A.R. In fact, you’ve probably set an RC record in being the longest question we’ve ever published. To re-cap – you love her, she loves you. You’re a virgin. She’s jealous, you’re jealous. Things are shaky and confusing right now. You’re both not sure this relationship will last. Let me answer in bullet point so I can cover everything.

• Your virginity. Shouldn’t be an issue, but clearly is. Maybe you should simply do the deed? If it’s not a religious issue (it might be, but you haven’t mentioned anything, so I’m assuming), you’re of age, you’ve been together two years and are practising safe sex, then why not? It would even up the playing field, so to speak, and bring you closer together in a shared sexual experience. It might help with the jealousy issue as well. Why imagine her with another man, when you can actually be the guy that’s bonking her?

• Jealousy. Get over it. Both of you. Really. Nothing kills a healthy relationship like the green monster. Don’t talk about exes, there’s no need once you’ve got the basic details out of the way. Don’t think about her with another guy. Expend your mental energy on what you have right now and future plans. Going over old news or inventing love interests will just drag you both down.

• Talking about possible breakups. Might be time to seek a little couples counselling, to figure out if you’re both committed to getting things back on track, or it’s time to end it. Talking about breakups is one step behind actually breaking up. Act now before you’re splitting up your CD’s and books and writing up a profile for

• Unacceptable, angry behaviour. Not cool. Again – seek counselling to start acting in a more positive, respectful and calm way.

• Constant insecurities and suspicions. Yes, this can be changed, and you can trust and respect each other’s space again. But it sounds like you need help to put things right between you and start talking/acting in a much more healthy way. Talk to your GP about setting up a meeting with a good counsellor in your area. Have I mentioned you should see a counsellor? Okay then. Go forth and fix this mess. Your girlfriend will love you for making proactive suggestions, rather than acting hurt and angry.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


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