Should I dob my maintenance-dodging ex into social security?

Should I dob my maintenance-dodging ex into social security?

Should I dob in my ex

I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and we split when he cheated. I moved out last year, bought my own place and he stayed behind in our rented accommodation. However, then the landlord wanted to sell so he moved in as my lodger. He has treated me appallingly, he is a bad character, and I have given him notice to leave (he should be gone this Sunday). 

Here’s the problem: I have since found out he has a 20 year old son! He has kept this from me all this time. To say I am angry is an understatement. I also know the child support agency are chasing him for more than 12K in missed child maintenance payments, because I found a letter from last year, sent to our old address. He doesn’t know that I know! 

I’m not inclined to bring it up with him because he will direct his anger at me and shout about how I’ve ‘snooped’. But, the CSA are clearly trying to trace him and given I know his bank account, social security and work details, should I contact them? And, once he leaves should I send him a letter telling him I know? It’ll be a ‘get lost and die’ letter because I have already written it and it felt cathartic just to do that. I would love to see him squirm. Fee

Jesus Fee, you are a downright saint for letting an ex who’d caused you so much pain actually move in with you. That’s taking hospitable to a crazy new level. I sincerely hope he makes good on that arrangement to leave (or has left already) – and that you’ve already changed the locks.

I know you’re angry about the son and sorely tempted to drop him in it with the authorities, but my gut feeling is don’t go there. Firstly it’s not your business nor your problem. It also sounds like your ex has some scary anger issues (alongside his other unsavoury character traits) and he’s obviously worked hard to keep this information from you for a very long time. I worry that if you did dob him in, he might snap and it’d backfire on you. Finding out about his son after so long just reinforces what you already know about him, really: that he’s a liar, and that you’re better off without him in your life at all.

The letter thing I can actually help you with though – do you know about our sister site It’s a great place to dump your anger and I would hope that doing so would close the door on this guy and give you a real crack at moving on.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Caroline 7 years ago

    A friend of mine did not receive child support from her daughter’s father for over two years. He also got most of the possessions in the split which also contributing to her needing additional money. He kept buying items for himself and he then introduced his new girlfriend who, I believe, did/does not like the budget lifestyle. Obviously, this was funded, in part, through not paying child support.

    I can assure you that as a mother with a child, every cent is precious. Last year, my household spent more money on my friend’s daughter than the actual father did. I believe that in both of these instances, there is a child that went without and a father that could have done more to help.

    As for myself, I lived my childhood in poverty after my father told my sister and I to tell the police that we wanted to live with him. Not true – we were afraid of him. His physical and emotional abuse, his gambling and other addictions and his mistresses. My mother and my sister and I suffered. My father wanted money and did not care too much about anyone else around him. If I stated that I was going to the police, I was bashed more, told that I was useless, and hardly wore any new clothes. In fact, my sister and I were put in a home when we were living in Victoria because there was hardly anything for us in the house – including warm bedding because my father was a gambler.

    Do you see a pattern? Who benefitted whilst the child or children went without? According to you, you had no knowledge of there being a child from a previous relationship. How important was this child to him during the years that you spent together? How important to him were you whilst, according to you, “…he cheated…,” and, “…treated me appallingly…”?

    Personally, I would do this anonymously to prevent any undue animosity towards you. He knows where you live and, perhaps, a telephone number of yours. By all means, write the letter and send it – sans information regarding CSA.

    Good luck.

    • Author
      Rachel 7 years ago

      Totally agree it should be anonymous – I worry about this guy and what he might do.

      Thanks too for sharing your experiences Caroline – nothing like hearing from someone who’s been on the other side 🙁

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