My ex-husband claims he wants me back. Is it ultimatum time?

My ex-husband claims he wants me back. Is it ultimatum time?

Should I issue my ex-husband with an ultimatum?

I split with my husband in 2010. We married at 19 and at 20 our son was born. Our marriage ended because we listened to other people’s lies – a kind of he-said-she-said scenario. We’re now both 24. In the past two and half years, he got engaged and I just dated. We never spoke at all for one of those years because of his new girlfriend, and our divorce was supposed to be final in December just gone, once we’d signed the paperwork.

But here’s the thing: a week ago he finally talked to me in person and he apologized. And then he created an email account and started telling me how much he’s learned about God and how big of a mistake he made leaving me. He says he wants to be with me… but he hasn’t told his live in fiancée. He says he is going to tell her soon, but it hurts that he hasn’t yet. I know he’s honest, but should I wait for him, or issue an ultimatum? I’ve spent 10 percent of my life without him, and I don’t want to be without him for the rest of it. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Alma

How can you describe your ex-husband as ‘honest’ when he’s essentially two-timing you with his future wife? Forget the ultimatum. In fact, I’d seriously rethink a reconciliation of any kind. Your track record with this guy isn’t great, for a start – I mean, I know you were very young when you got hitched, but I do question the maturity of two people who can decide to quit a marriage based on ‘lies’ other people told them. It seems just madness to me that you wouldn’t try harder to work it out between yourselves. And, while I imagine emotions and flurries of nostalgia run high when it’s time to actually sign the divorce papers, if we also consider the fact that your ex has found God and is trying to secretly get back with you in spite of being engaged to someone else… well, I can’t be the only one here thinking this is all starting to resemble a bad Jerry Springer episode.

Bottom line: your marriage didn’t work out, and that’s okay. You’ll be okay, Alma. Don’t re-hitch your horse to someone who seems so unsure of what he wants. Don’t put your little boy – who’ll always connect you with your ex anyway – in the midst of your marital shit sandwich. It’s not fair to a four-year-old whose short life has so far involved a fair bit of upheaval. Consider what’s best for him going forward, including solid custody arrangements so he can see his dad. And for you? Grab a pen, sign those papers and mail them today. It’s your chance for a proper fresh start and my advice is, take it.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. Lola 8 years ago

    Great advice, RC!
    I don’t know why, but lots of alarm bells start ringing in my head when people say they’ve “found God”. If they say they’ve found themselves, it’s a different story.
    Leaving my “atheism” aside, Alma, if your ex were really serious about going back to you, he’d be living a completely different kind of life, i.e. not engaged to be married to somebody else. A friend of mine was in a similar situation to yours a few years ago and chose to believe in the b….rd, excuse me, her ex. The result? She and her two lovely daughters lived in limbo-land for nearly 5 years until her ex finally decided to stay with the other woman because she was “more fun”.
    Moving on = growing up. Both of them are painful, but worthwhile in the not-so-long run. All the best!

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