Should I let my daughter’s boyfriend sleep over?

Should I let my daughter’s boyfriend sleep over?

Hi RC. I have a problem with my sixteen-year-old daughter. She has always been what you might call an ‘early bloomer’. She’s done a lot in her short life including drinking and drugs and has a boyfriend of a year she’s smitten with. He’s a nice guy, and I’m hoping it’s still innocent but she has recently asked if he can stay over. I’m not that comfortable with this and want to put the spanner in any possible sexual activity for as long as possible – but am I being too harsh? What do you suggest? Anon

Newsflash, Anon: stopping the boyfriend sleeping over is not going to stop them having sex. Nothing like telling a teenager to do something and watching them do the exact opposite (it’s been years since I was one, but boy, did I put my folks through their paces). Anyhow, I think we need to look at the positive side – that she’s had the respect to ask for your blessing instead of sneaking him in via the window after you’ve gone to bed. I’m just sayin’.
Also, allowing the boyfriend to stay over – even with boundaries such as a certain amount of nights a week, or making a rule that he sleeps in the living room only – might be safer than the alternative. I don’t know about you, but if I had a 16-year-old who wanted to have sex I’d much rather she was doing it safely under my roof than in the back of a car in a dark alley. Still, it’s your call – if you know you’d be really too uncomfortable with the situation, tell her so and say you’re happy to revisit the issue when she’s a bit older.
As her mum, there’s not much else you can do in regards to sex except to make sure your daughter is using contraception, to be open about the dangers of drugs, alcohol and unprotected sex, and to let her know you’re there for her. Teenagers are always going to do dumb things – it’s a fact that their reasoning and decision making abilities develop last – but being available to her as a mum and a friend will hopefully mean you avoid any Lindsay Lohan-style meltdowns, and that she’ll turn to you when it really matters.
Love reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

5 Comments

  1. Can of Worms 9 years ago

    CAN OF WORMS IS DISCUSSING THIS VERY SUBJECT THIS WEEK!

    Do you let your teen’s partner sleep over at your house? What rules do you have? Maybe something happened that made you change your view on this? Whatever your story, if you’re near Sydney, we want to hear from you.

    Can of Worms, the Channel Ten TV series hosted by Chrissie Swan, is looking for strong opinions and personal stories about teens sleeping over to be part of our studio audience on THURSDAY 20th SEPT in SYDNEY (transport for those in and around Sydney provided). Can of Worms is a studio-based discussion show where, each week, three guests tackle life’s interesting questions and moral dilemmas. http://www.facebook.com/CanOfWormsTV

    If interested, please contact Audience Producer Amy aruse@zapruder.com.au with your phone number and a brief outline of your experience.

    ————————————

  2. anne 9 years ago

    My 16 year old daughter and her ‘friend’ had sleepovers and we all knew they were just friends. One day that changed and they became boyfriend/girlfriend, by then it was too late to change the rules. We still put the spare mattress in her room when he slept over, however we knew they were sleeping together, but they knew our expectations that he would sleep on the mattress and to this date keep up appearances, even if only for us. They both come from families that have educated them on safe sex etc. and we have met each others parents and they know our expectations. His mom does not allow them to sleep in the same room at her house, but respects our decision in our house as she agrees that they are not out at some park/beach etc. taking uneccessary risks. The respect her rules and obey them in her house. My husband wishes to remain in denial about their relationship, however they have been honest with me and have told me they lost their virginity to each other. I don’t nescessarily want to know the details, but I am happy that they are comfortable in speaking to me about their relationship. I don’t know if our choices are right, but by the respect that they show us, I believe we have made the right decision.

  3. J'net 10 years ago

    I’m still too confused to make a decision regarding my daughter’s boyfriend sleeping over in her room. Not enough info about considering effects on younger siblings. Daughter is 17 and younger brother is 15. He will expect same when he is 17 and it might not be the same calibre of relationship.

  4. pp 11 years ago

    My mum used to have a rule – my boyfriend could sleep over, but sleep downstairs. Then she changed the rule. I could sleep downstairs with him, but I had to be back in my bed before ANYONE – especially my younger brother – got up. I was 17 and it seemed like a pretty good deal to me!!

  5. ms_ioane 11 years ago

    @realitychickaus hey i just wanna say thanks for the lil push i needed…thanx to your answers!

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