Should I trust my bad gut feeling about the woman I love?

Should I trust my bad gut feeling about the woman I love?

Should I trust my bad gut feeling about the woman I love?

Two months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up – amicably – for 3-4 weeks. While apart we texted every day; in some messages she told me she loved me. I didn’t sleep with anyone else during that time – I’m not the kind of guy who can do that when I have another woman on my mind.

However. We reconnected on NYE and since then, there have been revelations I’m finding hard to accept. At first, she told me she was with 2 other guys over the three weeks we were apart. Then I find out it was 5 guys (4 of whom were Internet randoms she met for sex).

Two days later, I go to Facebook and it automatically logs into her page because she’d been using my laptop previously. I see a message from a guy who had hit on her when we were together. She’d previously assured me she had never had anything to do with him and didn’t want to. The message said “Want me to come over?” So I read further, turns out she asked him to come over while we were apart.

After some denials she admits FB guy was actually one of her old fuckbuddies, but she’d lied about it. She also admitted that during our time apart she also met up with a work colleague she once had a crush on (she says nothing happened).

I was kinda shocked by all this, though partly accepted it at the time because I appreciated the honesty. But I’m struggling. It’s been nearly a month since she told me, and we had a big fight about it and I said I wanted out. Then two days later when one of my close friends had died she was at my front door with cupcakes and I let her in.

I don’t doubt she loves me. But I question whether she can be trusted. It hurts to picture her being with those guys. It angers me that she was able to do all this while sending me texts saying ‘I love you’. The fact she tells me she slept around because she was sad, broken and lonely and wanted a distraction is no consolation. Another thing is, she flirts. I’ve seen her do another guy’s hair. I’ve walked in on her messaging other guys and she’s been all covert about it.

I just have a bad gut feeling about her. She assures me she’s never cheated, and I don’t doubt that. But I feel she will want to. She’s proven she can sleep around while in love with me, and while telling me she loves me. We are totally different in this regard. Sex may be like a drug for her.

I just don’t know whether to stay with this girl. She has a lot of good qualities, but it’s been a real head*@#& to be honest. I’d really appreciate your thoughts and thanks heaps. There aren’t many people I can talk to about this stuff. TeeJay

TeeJay, my friend, this is one of those times when I believe trusting your gut would be a very good move. That bad feeling you’re having means something. I’ve had it in relationships before and ignored it and it never ends well. So listen up.

I’m no sex therapist by any means, but your gal seems to be battling some pretty deep-seated issues and insecurities in that department. You don’t think it’s okay to sleep around when you’re in love with someone. She doesn’t have that off-switch, because she seems to crave the validation of other men and their attention, no matter what – or who – is in the wings. The texting of other guys and being covert about it, the playing with another guy’s hair while you’re around … well, all that goes beyond flirting and just indicates to me that she has zero boundaries on what’s appropriate and what’s pretty messed up and inappropriate when in a relationship. On top of all that, she seems to regard honesty as something you dole out on a need-to-know basis. No wonder you feel like you’ve been taking crazy pills.

I’m not debating whether she loves you. I’m sure she does, as you do her. But should you stay? Is love enough? In this case, I just don’t think it is. Relationships can screw with your head when you’re compatible and you share three key things: values, trust and the belief that honesty and disclosure are the bedrock of everything. But without those three things, you’re surely steering yourself into a world of pain. And I really don’t want that for you, TeeJay. Because you sound like a decent guy who deserves better.

What should you do? I think you should move on and cut off contact with her. It’s really the only way you can get her out of your head and stop letting her fall back into your bed. Cupcakes or no cupcakes.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

2 Comments

  1. Rene Rodriguez 2 years ago

    I’m going through the same thing presently, but my guts telling she messing around with friends. Painful..

  2. bron 5 years ago

    There are some women that will be loyal no matter what
    There are others who are incapable of real loyalty.
    I know women like this. They can’t survive without a man in their bed, any man. They will meet complete strangers just to have a man in their bed. They will engage in risky behaviour to get that man in their bed. And they will use sex to get what they want.
    She can’t be trusted. You will never be able to trust her. You know that. You just need to accept it.
    You are just one of those men she has to have in her bed.
    There is nothing emotional for her where sex is concerned.
    Get out. Now.

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