Sick of being his ‘secret’ girlfriend

Sick of being his ‘secret’ girlfriend

I have been with my partner for two years. During this time, I have always been the secret girlfriend. His mother doesn’t know about us, his own kids don’t know. When I try and talk about it, it’s always the wrong time.

I just want a man who’ll love me and wants to tell the world. I feel like it’s going nowhere, I feel like a slave and babysitter to his two kids. How can I approach him without resorting to an ultimatum? Sam

Secret girlfriend? After two years? Oh for the love of … no wonder you’re fed up, Sam. There’s no excuse for this man not telling his friends and family that you’re his special lady. No excuse I tell you! Fair enough, you don’t want to set up an ultimatum, but there’s absolutely no way you should be putting up with this situation as it stands.

Even if you’re not usually assertive, gather all your strength and be very firm about what you want and need from him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you’ve been made to feel like a babysitter, and that you are extremely unhappy with your secret status. You value your relationship, but enough is enough. A line has to be drawn in the sand. It’s time for him to come clean to his mother, kids and all the other important people in his life. He needs to introduce you properly [taking you out for a couple of nice dinners might be in order] and make it crystal clear you are his partner, not his nanny.

If he still refuses to acknowledge you – then perhaps it’s time you starting introducing yourself. His reaction will tell you if you have a future together.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

9 Comments

  1. Bron 10 years ago

    omg – you have kids in this mess too? I’d be outta there, making sure that i took every single last thing i contributed – you AND your kids deserve so much better than this, and your kids need to see what a normal relationship looks like.
    Get out of there girl, don’t give him anymore chances – he is not going to commit to anything.

  2. Sam 10 years ago

    I feel like a Nanny sometimes, they are the ones who live in… it is always the wrong time, always inconvenient. The kids know that some day, Dad and I will get married, but we can never kiss, never hug in front of them. He can comfort me if I am upset, but no just plain hugs or kisses. All done when they can’t see. Thank you Bron for saying I need someone who loves me… I agree… I have said my peace now, he knows that I am not happy, that I don’t think that he see’s us as a couple… So the ball is in his court. We were all meant to be going on holidays in November, but his mother and step father have put a stop to me and my children going (as it is their time share appartment). I asked if he stuck up for us and said, well we are not going, but the response I got, I should have known was coming… “What, so now I have to tell my kids that they are not going” – Am I wrong for thinking that he should stand up to his family and just say – well we are all going or not at all…

  3. Al 10 years ago

    Wait, how are you a babysitter to his kids but they don’t know about you? Are you actually their nanny?

  4. Wacky 10 years ago

    Agreed, his behaviour is unacceptable. Who do the kids think you are when they come over? A flatmate? Two years and especially if you live together is just plain rude. Tell him to man up and do it now or just leave. You deserve better my friend.

  5. Bron 10 years ago

    i actually think the fact that you are living together makes the whole situation worse – how can his family and friends know nothing about you?
    You need someone who cares…

  6. Sam 10 years ago

    thank you RC and friends. It was so nice to see what I have thought all along, written up in front of me. I think that the time has come for him to either accept me and all of me, or I’ll move on.
    PS> Bron, we actually live together and he goes out once in a blue moon. I don’t believe there is another, but I do believe that I am nothing to him and never will be. We had organised a night out for two weeks and when the night came… he forgot… he has more things to think about… i was devestated!!!! Still am!!

  7. Reality Chick 10 years ago

    Oooh, you guys are tougher than me this week! I like it!

  8. kate 10 years ago

    Agreed. Don’t bother with another ‘chit-chat’ – just dump the tosser!

  9. Bron 10 years ago

    There’s no relationship there – you’re a bedmate when and if it suits him. If he’s not willing to tell family and friends about you, the chances are there is a REAL girlfriend out there and he doesn’t want to stuff it up by letting her know he’s been sleeping around.
    Time to leave.
    NOW!!!

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