My friend and I have known each other since high school. Ever since he got engaged to another man a few years ago, I hardly hear from him. His fiancé personally insulted me once and my friend said nothing. I was annoyed. I’ve been going through some health problems recently (totally Murphys Law) and my friend complained I always bail at the last minute. I tried explaining my current situation and asked to catch up. He never answered at all. I feel betrayed and let down. I’m a good and loyal friend, yet have been betrayed by different people. Yet my ex who lies and cheats is a popular person. What to do? Danielle
It’s sad losing a much-loved friend. I have, and I know your pain. It’s especially crap when the chasm is created by a friend’s new partner, if that person is someone you can’t tolerate (or who can’t tolerate you) for whatever reason. My only answer is that life’s not always fair. People change. Once strong friendships can become toxic.
In your situation, there are probably a few things going on. Firstly, there’s not a lot of love lost between you and your friend’s fiance. In an ideal world it wouldn’t matter a jot, but if his fiance is bad-mouthing you behind the scenes that could account for your friend’s distance. It definitely won’t help matters if you’re often ‘bailing at the last minute’ – health problems or no health problems. That can drive people bananas and leave them perceiving that you’re just flaky and that their time means nothing to you. I know that’s not the case, but you’ve reached an impasse on these issues.
I’d make a final overture and tell your friend how much he – and the friendship – have meant to you for so many years. Explain your situation, apologise for bailing and let him know you don’t want to lose his friendship. Do it over email if it’s easier, and let his response guide you on what to do next. It may be that the friendship has run its course for him or it’s too difficult to see you often if his fiance’s not your biggest fan. That sucks, but you’re better off knowing it and spending your energies on friends that do value you – rather than continuing to knock on a door that’ll just be shut in your face.
Love, reality chick