So I just recently started seeing my boyfriend and for the most part of it, it’s amazing. He’s the love of my life. He makes me smile, treats me like his princess and really does appreciate me. That said, we’re very different, I’m an academic, very well put together and an intense planner. My man is the opposite; very artistic, with absolutely no structure in his life and he really doesn’t care about anything.
The issue? I feel like I’ve made him complacent and that I am enabling and even encouraging him to be lazy. When we met he had his own small business but was on the verge of closing it down because he was leaving the country for another job. However, when we started dating he decided not to leave the country and he promised me he’d look for work.
For a few days he did look for work and even began volunteering at a homeless shelter. However, I looked through his CV and offered to help him. BIG MISTAKE. He literally stopped applying for jobs or volunteering and all he does is spend the day with his friends and visit me at work. I think it’s my fault because I started applying to jobs with him and even helped him with his cover letter. However, what was meant to be done by both of us ended up being my responsibility. I even have his email account password so that I can do the applications. He has not applied for a job or done any follow-ups in two weeks.
He’s behind on rent so he lives with me, eats my food and is always asking me for money. He wants us to get a bigger place together but I cannot agree to this until we are financially stable. Whenever I mention this he gets angry and says that I do not trust in his ability to make money. How can I trust his ability if he is not actively seeking employment? At the end of it all, I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like because he has me to lean on financially he no longer has an incentive to work. Please help me. Very Confused
I don’t know how long you’ve been dating this guy, but I think you have ‘treats me like a princess’ and ‘treats me like an open wallet’ slightly confused, Confused. Your boyfriend is a freeloading man-child who’s revelling in the fact that not only does he not have to work or worry about paying the rent, he’s also wrangled his girlfriend into applying for jobs for him in her spare time. Jeezus, this guy is GOOD.
My advice? Stop trying to help him get a job. Stop trying to fix him, stop giving him pocket money for beer, stop making his life SUPER easy and comfortable. Instead, give him a deadline for finding work – any work – and in the meantime, tell him he can pitch in and show he really does ‘appreciate’ you by cooking dinner every night, keeping your place clean and tidy and generally not act like a petulant teenager living with his mother.
If the deadline passes and he’s still loafing around and not giving you any indication he’s keen to act like a responsible adult – you know, the kind that acknowledges rent and bills need to be paid, or you’re homeless – then you have to be strong and cut it off. No more money, no more staying with you, no more relationship if you’re really at the end of your tether. Let him go crash on his friend’s couch and be their problem, not yours.
Love, reality chick