Hi RC. As a 51-year-old female divorcee with relatively independent almost adult children, I decided it might be time to look for love again. The problem seems men want to ‘get lucky’ and that’s all they want. They have little interest in exclusive committed relationships, and with the men I meet it often seems they have pretty much regressed to trying to emulate their teenage years. So, as a female I have no desire for advice on how to ‘get lucky’ (seems you pretty much just have to turn up!), but I would like to know how one weeds out the luck seekers to find those who are looking for a bit of love to go along with the lust. Ann
Great question Ann. (And although our book is called Get Lucky, we do include a chapter on finding love – just so you know! *grin*)
I’d love to consult my crystal ball and give you a failsafe way to pinpoint whether a guy’s just cruising for a shag or wants more, but it’s a crapshoot, really. Although, I did wonder just how many of these middle-aged dudes you meet who are trying to revisit their teen years are recently separated/divorced. If you’re meeting them online and they mention it in their profiles, I’d consider it a bit of a red flag, mainly because I’d wonder if they were either a) rebounding badly and not really over their ex, or b) riding the euphoric, ‘I’m FREEEEEEEE’ wave (how long for is anyone’s guess). The latter, of course, may well be the gimme-a-one-way-ticket-into-your-undies types.
Some things I’d be looking for, though, are men who try and have a real conversation as opposed to just flirting. Men who respect it when you put the brakes on the physical stuff yet still contact you / set up dates with you. Men who don’t go on about sex or turn a simple question about your coq au vin into an innuendo opportunity. Men who express real interest in you, your family, your life, your friends… and share stuff about their own lives, too. Men who say things like, “You love trivia nights? You’ll have to meet my mate Hank, he’s always wanting to put a team together” or “My kids are at uni too – what are yours studying?” I’d hazard a guess that those who are just after sex probably wouldn’t want to know that much about you. Because they don’t care. They just want to hook up.
Of course, you can obsess over everything his says / does, but at the end of the day the only really useful tool you have when you meet new men is your instincts, and all you can really do is make your boundaries clear, have an absolutely fantastic time and then get on with your life. It’s not just attractive, it’s letting him know that you’re someone of value, you’re worth putting the effort in to get to know, and if he really wants more by heck he better bring his A-game.
Love, reality chick