Was I just his rebound girl? I’m so sad.

Was I just his rebound girl? I’m so sad.
Was I just his rebound girl? I'm so sad.

Another great one from somecards.com

Three weeks ago I split from a guy I dated for nine months. We met on a chat site and began dating a month later (he’s 38, I’m 40) despite my concern that he was just out of an 8 year relationship (no kids, but properties with his ex). I quickly became the in-love, helpful girl who couldn’t do enough for him. He was thankful and sweet but I knew he wasn’t over his ex, even though he’d left. He assured me he was but she often came up in conversation, he compared her to me (as in me being perfect, her being awful).

I met his mum and friends (all married with kids). He told me he wanted kids. He said he ‘couldn’t wait to see the joy on my face when I had his baby’. We had unprotected sex for 9 months but I kept breaking it off because I realised he needed space. We’d always reconcile. The sex was great, I never had a bad time with him.

Then recently he put the brakes on. He wouldn’t let me put pics of us on FB and there was no mention of me on there. He never introduced me to others as his girlfriend, as ‘his ex would go mad’ (even though she’s dating someone else). I started to feel hidden. I got needy and sad. He did nothing, I ended things again. This time, he reluctantly let me go.

That was three weeks ago and I’ve realised I’m the ‘re-bound girl’. I feel used and broken-hearted and naive that this happened and that I put my all into this farce of a relationship. I very rarely fall so deeply in love. I’m looking to settle down and raise a family and I’m finding it really hard to move on. I’m dying inside and feeling like I fucked things up.

Any insight? I am attempting no-contact right now but I keep breaking it as we have some practical stuff going on (he’s living in a property owned by my boss – long story). Also, he texted me that he meant everything that he said to me over our time together – WTF – why did he say that? I’m such a mug. EC

Oh chook, I’m sorry. You took a gamble on a guy who was FULLY rebounding and while that sometimes pays off, mostly it doesn’t. Usually because the person is still grieving and processing the end of the relationship they’ve left and they’re just not in the right headspace to commit AT ALL. Don’t you wish they’d wear a neon sign flashing their rebound status so you could steer clear?!

I get how you feel used but he probably didn’t mean it; he was just messed up and flailing and seeking a soft landing to help him avoid those icky feelings we all have to wade through after a relationship ends. Cowardly? Sure. But maybe deep down he felt and hoped that he’d somehow get over his ex or process the split super fast because you were amazing and the sex was shit-hot and he wanted you to have his babies and all the rest of it. But as we both know, the guy was kidding himself.

For you, I could list a million post-break-up strategies but at the core of all of it there’s nowhere to go but through it. I realise at 40 and craving a family of your own, that grief of yours is particularly palpable, but it’s not the end of the road for you by any means. You have choices and while time may not be on your side, women do have babies in their 40s; some go it alone. So if that’s an option, I urge you to seek advice on it. Getting the ball rolling on your future once you’re feeling up to it can be hugely empowering and healing, scary as it is. But first, for your own sake, make the no-contact thing work. I mean really. Let someone else deal with the practical crap of his living arrangements etc. And don’t buy into or analyze his mixed messages or his texts. All of that is just a great big hook back into his world, and while it’s tempting to keep dipping back in when you’re heartbroken, right now you need to cut the cord.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

3 Comments

  1. Letha 2 years ago

    I can soooooooo relate to the writer! But i think I went head on into this thing knowing what it was and thinking he would see how amazing I was and would be for him! But guess what, even tho I am amazing(LOL) his mind and heart are still tied up into his ex! You can never compete with that no matter how hard you try! You will only end up getting hurt! So take this as a lesson learned and don’t repeat it ever again! Run like hell!

  2. Charilee 3 years ago

    I’m really struggling to find answers c ould you please help me.I recently started feeling like a rebound girl.I was with this guy almost 5 years.He was coming from a divorce.He pursued me.It took 2 years b’4 I would make a commitment. I’m a single mom,I was careful.He seemed to be Mr Right.We was freinds first.He played with my kids was so amazing.Our time together was something I never felt.He picked up a hobbie.I was sapportive of him.I was never invited me to go.Than he met this other girl,she wasn’t attractive but a nice person.He told me she was in love with him but he didn’t feel the same.As time went on he become more distant with me.He swears up and down there is nothing between them. It’s hard to believe that cuz she goes to all of his races.He tells me she shows up.I talked to him in Sept.We talked about spending some time away together.Right after that I seen a pic of her at his wife’s b-day party.That was it, I had enough.I decided to go no contact. He texted me Oct.like nothing was going on.I ignored it.I have seen him a couple times since.He stares at me.It’s creepy.When he sees my kids He acts happy to see them.He has now moved out of his apt.I feel he moved in with her.Why the lies? Why Denie it.He tells me he loves me.I don’t want him back. But it would be nice to know if he did love me.What Is up with the staring?II kind of feel he didn’t think I would leave.When I tried talking to him,expressing how his a tions was hurting me he made no change. So I left. Haven’t communicated with him since. I’m really struggling cuz I don’t get involved.I’m hurt but I will not take him back.I’m just wondering if you could please give me some feedback. I don’t want to even think about him.Honesty and communication is two things I find important to haven a successful relationship. He didn’t have either skill.He just changed so much since he started racing.I don’t even feel I know him any more.That’s so sad,Cuz we was so amazing b-4 he raced. (

  3. Natalia 4 years ago

    I hd a b.f bwt 5yearz ago we brokeup actuali i broke it off with hm…evn though we uzd tuh live in the same neighbourhood we ddnt contact each…thn he found himself a g.f nd they moved in 2geda 4 bwt 5 years nd they recently brokeup…he came bk to me nd because am stl inlove with him i took him back with open arms bt the thng is i knda feel lyk am his Rebound girl…what do i do

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