We just bought a house and got engaged and I’m having massive second thoughts

We just bought a house and got engaged and I’m having massive second thoughts

We just bought a house and got engaged and I’m having massive second thoughts

I‘ve been with my fella for little over 3 years now. We bought a house last year and got engaged and now I’m having doubts! I don’t feel he sees us as a couple as it’s all 50/50 or he will say ‘Well, I paid last time, it’s about time you treat me’ (which does happen, don’t get me wrong – I’m very into spoiling people if I have the funds). When I bring up the wedding he says it’s not happening and words to the effect of ‘what do we need to get married for’ and ‘I’m not spending that much on a day’ – but believe me, I’ve worked things out very inexpensively.

He also doesn’t like meeting new people and won’t socialise with my friends. I feel he finds it a grind as he says he won’t know anyone and he’s not making small talk so what’s the point. I don’t see my friends as much as I used to – well, hardly ever really. Some have even stopped getting in contact as they don’t think he’s right for me. I know it’s half my fault for not making the time to see them but I feel he will go into moods if I’m out spending money instead of saving it for something we could be doing together. I’m finding myself thinking things over in my head and making myself ill. This is only the half of it 🙁 Please, any advice would be very much appreciated. Samantha

First up, feeling sick all the time over the thought of a future with someone is a bad sign. And if I’m honest, your situation sounds awful. Frankly, how you got engaged and embroiled in property ownership with a moody, tight-fisted, anti-social, semi-controlling dude who’s now back-peddling on marriage and can’t be bothered making small talk with the people you love is scary. I’m wondering how much you’ve been manipulated already, and how far this guy might go to stop you leaving him, if that is what you’re considering.

If it is, then I’m guessing you’re wondering where to start. Admittedly, the property thing is a bit of a pickle, but you’re not locked in. He can buy you out or you can sell the house and split the proceeds; it’s doable. You can end your engagement. You can start afresh. How honest have you been with him though? Does he know how unhappy you are? Have you ever brought up your concerns and if so, did he care? Or is it his way or the highway? I think you need to communicate your feelings to him, but first I would have a rock-solid exit plan. Where you’ll go if you leave him. Who can help you. Your friends have already made their feelings clear; would any of them put you up until you’re back on your feet? What about your family? It’s worth putting feelers out there, and I know there are probably some tough times ahead. But the relief that you’ll feel from breaking free of something that’s not right for you will outweigh any of the inconvenience or pain of untangling your life from his. I wish you all the best.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. Jen 3 years ago

    If it’s like this now imagine what it will be like in 1 year or 10 years time. Speak to your friends and get that support network in place. Whether you decide to stay, or leave, for goodness sake, you need your friends. Have you talked to him about this? I think you’ve got to trust your gut on this one. It’s usually right.

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