We split, I’m going away. But is there still hope with my ex?

We split, I’m going away. But is there still hope with my ex?

mixed signals from exMy boyfriend and I have recently broken up. We hadn’t been getting along – not helped by the fact that we were sharing a tiny apartment and he was under intense stress at work, making him constantly cranky. I think he is depressed and confused but he won’t get help and doesn’t believe in counselling. Eventually he said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore, if we had a future or not or even if he wanted a girlfriend. I immediately moved out, devastated. He cries everytime we speak now and can hardly look at me. He says he loves me but doesn’t know if we are right long term – after 18 months together. Just before the break-up we were talking marriage, then this sudden turnaround? It’s been five weeks since the split, but I still love him to death. I’ve gotten on with things as best I can and been on a couple of dates. I was round at his place yesterday to take our dog out for a walk, we started talking again and he got upset again saying how much he loves me. He then asked me if been out with other guys and I told him I had. He then started talking about the amazing sex we used to have and suddenly we were kissing and we had sex. I left immediately afterwards telling him this won’t happen ever again. I go overseas for a month in 2 weeks and have this dream that he will use the time to sort out WTF is going on with him and want to figure things out. But am I kidding myself? WTF

I am SO GLAD you’re getting on that plane. You are clearly a strong chick who is trying to take all this in her stride, but the BEST THING you can do for yourself right at this minute is to pack a bag and get the hell out of dodge. You’ll not only escape your break-up funk, but more importantly you’ll also be out of the immediate reach of your ex. I’m sorry, but I don’t have much sympathy for the guy. The whole ‘Oh my life’s turned to shit, I’m stressed, I’m depressed, but I don’t believe in counselling or getting any actual concrete help so I may as well chuck the blame on my girlfriend and start over’ scenario is one I have seen too many times to count.
He wants to wipe the slate clean? Fine. Let him. A guy who talks marriage then announces that he doesn’t know if you actually have a future … wow. That’s up there with people who think it’s a REALLY good idea to dump their partners on Christmas Day or their birthday (it happens more than you might think). Sure, I’ll concede he’s probably suffering major guilt about what he’s put you through in the past two months, but the decent thing would’ve been to back away and let you both grieve and come to terms with the status quo. Not to toy with your emotions every chance he gets by crying, telling you he still loves you, or luring you into the sack with a nostalgic little speech about all the amazing sex you used to have.
Cut contact with the guy. Just cut it. Don’t speak to him before you leave or when you’re away. Don’t hold out for a Love Actually style goodbye at the airport. Just go on your trip, have fun, shag a spunky backpacker if you feel like it, then come home and get on with your life. Hold out for someone who’s got it together. Who doesn’t play games. Who doesn’t mess with your head. Who doesn’t think it’s ok to rip your heart out and keep it for himself just in case, by some miracle, he decides you ARE the one after all. You can do better than that.
Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

3 Comments

  1. Lola 9 years ago

    I could be even harsher than RC and say that WTF’s ex surely merits some psychiatric diagnosis. Narcissistic / borderline control freaks are BIG on mixed messages. They thrive on them, and use their “I’ve got to sort my shit out” to their heart’s content.
    Bon voyage, WTF!!! We’re looking forward to your anecdotes when you come back 🙂

  2. B 9 years ago

    Wow, RC. Pretty harsh, but I like it.

    The whole thing sounds way too confusing to actually work through, so I think you’re right about jumping on the plane and moving on.

    Life’s too short to wade through that mess!

  3. Bubble Girl 9 years ago

    Right on RC! So well put. WTF, you deserve so much better. I read once in a book that the only people from who you should accept “I’ve got to sort my shit out” are postal workers!

    I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for that spunky backpacker to cross your path . . .

    Big hugs,
    Bubble Girl x

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