We’re long distance and he NEVER wants sex!

We’re long distance and he NEVER wants sex!

My boyfriend never seems to be interested in having sex. We’re living in separate States and only see each other every 2-3 months. When we get into it it’s good, but how do I interest him in it more? He says I’m nagging him too much about it! Anon

SO MANY couples face issues in the area of sexual incompatibility. It’s estimated that one in five couples have sex less than 10 times a year. And it’s not just sleep-deprived new parents and aging baby boomers who are getting less nooky than they’d like. Sexual incompatibility can strike the young and frisky too. So what the hell do you do about it? Particularly if you only have limited time to do the deed as you’re living apart?
First up – communicate. And no, that doesn’t mean nagging. Start on a super-positive note, letting him know he’s a great lover when you DO get down to business (even if the sex you’re having isn’t enough for you). A little ego stroking is always important, rather than putting the pressure on him to constantly get the van rocking. Next, talk to him openly and honestly about your needs and desires in the bedroom – and encourage him to do the same. You may find he’s always been a bit take-it-or-leave-it in regards to regular sex. If that’s the case, at least you’ll know you’re with someone who has a lower level of sexual desire than you, and you’ll both need to compromise to get your needs met, especially as you live so far apart. Ultimately, you both want to agree on your ‘sexpectations’ for the times you ARE together.
Once you’ve gotten the talking out of the way – sign yourselves up for adrenalin pumping activities; experts say things like snowboarding or rock-climbing open up the brain’s dopamine centres and increase desire. If things still don’t improve, then you’ll have to soul search a little and ask yourself how important sex and sexual intimacy is for you in a relationship. If the answer is ‘very’ – especially when you don’t live close by and want every reunion to be hot-to-trot – then you may not be in the right partnership.
Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

3 Comments

  1. Author
    reality chick 9 years ago

    Thanks for those very insightful and heartfelt comments guys. I hope our letter-writer reads them! RC x

  2. Lola 9 years ago

    Diane has made a very interesting point, and I totally agree with her. I’ve always been skeptical about long-distance relationships. When I attempted to have one, it ended in tears. Lots of sex and tears. Nookie was there, alive and kicking, but so were the disagreements, the feverish fantasies, the king-size telephone bills (this happened in the mid 90’s, and he didn’t have an email address).
    There’s something essentially wrong and unrealistic about long-distance relationships, and it is the lack of physical closeness, plus the rituals and routines that end up binding two people together. Some of us need to have an experience or two of that sort as part of our growth process, and also to discover such a way of relating isn’t really worth the grief.
    I wish you the best falling in love with the ‘nice guy round the corner’ 🙂

  3. Diane 9 years ago

    This may be harsh but as the ever-wise Dan Savage would say DTMFA (Dump the motherfucker already). Seriously, you only see each other every few months and he doesn’t want to have sex when you do? AND when you try and communicate about it he says you’re ‘nagging’. At best he’s asexual. At worst he’s gay or getting action in his own state. Do you really want to put your life on hold for a few months at a time for someone who doesn’t want to be intimate with you the rare times you’re together? Find someone closer to home who is hot for you Anon. Sorry.

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