We’ve both been with other people throughout our marriage. Is our relationship doomed?

We’ve both been with other people throughout our marriage. Is our relationship doomed?

NEW Q: We’ve both been with other people throughout our marriage. Is our relationship doomed?

My husband and I have been married 13 years (together 18). We’ve had problems throughout but do love each other. We have both been with other people. He found out I had a relationship that lasted about 8 months and he made my life hell. After this time I found out (well I knew, but never had proof) that he’s had a girlfriend for the past 6-8 years.

He says it’s over but I’ve found messages, pictures and even a secret phone. She’s married also. She’s denying everything even though I have evidence. She’s convinced her husband that I’m just jealous and it’s nothing more than a friendship while I’m stuck looking stupid. I love my husband and I want our marriage to work but don’t have the energy to keep trying. Any advice? Kim

If you guys were in an open relationship with rules and boundaries you both agreed on, it would probably be easier to give you my opinion, but reading your letter, all I keep coming back to is whether you’ve done too much damage to move past this. I mean, the years of cheating and lying you’re both guilty of have can’t have left either of you with much trust or love for the other person.

When you say you don’t have the energy to keep going do you want out? Are you ready to find a divorce lawyer, pack up and walk out that door? Or do you just want to try one last time? If it’s the latter, leave the lover out of it and get talking – to your husband. How does he feel about your marriage? Does he want it to work? Is he open to counselling? Is he prepared to do the hard work it’ll take to start over? Or, given your history, do you need to have a brutally honest conversation about creating an unconventional but workable relationship that you’re both satisfied with – be it open, a don’t-ask-don’t-tell deal or something else that works for the two of you?

Hard conversations, I know, but when you’re at the crossroads like this, there’s no turning back or sweeping stuff under the rug anymore.

Love, reality chick


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