Years after being badly hurt, I’m worried I’m becoming a man-hater

Years after being badly hurt, I’m worried I’m becoming a man-hater

Hi. So, I got hurt in a pretty monumental way. But it’s been years now and I’ve been really trying to be open again. It’s pretty difficult. It has left me wondering about male integrity. I feel like I have integrity in the way I treat men, but I very rarely meet men who come across as having real heart/values. The last few attempts at closeness I’ve ended, in good ways, upfront and caring. But I’m still worried that I am turning into a man hater. Thanks for your site. Nat

You know what, Nat? It’s completely normal to feel a little jaded when the love game’s doled out more crap sandwiches than you can stomach. There is a serious assclown population out there, and I totally believe online dating has ramped up bad behaviour to a fever pitch. After a while, being disappointed over and OVER by people who don’t act with integrity or kindness or just basic human decency can start feeling kind of exhausting and pointless.

That said, you don’t want to swallow that bitter little pill for too long. Being bitter and angry and man-hatery doesn’t serve any purpose. Like one of my favourite Pinterest sayings: holding onto anger is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die.

I think, Nat, that it’s a time you took a nice little holiday. Not necessarily a get-on-a-plane type deal, but rather a deliberate vacation from dating. Plonk your battered little heart in a box, throw away the key and do other stuff for a while. Work on perfecting your creme brulee. Tidy your wardrobe. Meet up with every single friend you never have time to see. Write a bucket list and start working through it. Oh, and this vacation comes with a few conditions.

  1. Deactivating or deleting your dating profile, if you have one.
  2. Not letting friends set you up.
  3. Going to parties with the resolve of NOT flirting or entertaining the thought of meeting anybody, much less taking anybody home.
  4. Putting everyone in the friend zone for, say, three months.

Sounds liberating? You betcha. Plus, you won’t have any expectations (you’re not allowed to have any, remember), so nothing can disappoint or upset you. When the three months are up, crack open that ‘ole heart of yours a chink and just let a bit of fresh air in. See how the land lies. See if you start to become a magnet for nicer perople. Nicer guys who have the power to redeem your view of mankind. I’m watching it happen to a friend of mine right now who’d almost given up hope… but finally, finally, a nice dude came along. I can barely get a word in on the phone with her these days, she’s so head-in-the-clouds happy – and I fully believe it can happen for you too.

Love, reality chick

PS. I’m glad you like the site! 🙂


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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